QUOTES FILE =========== Every comment in this file has actually been said by the person credited (except in the case of pseudonyms). Any quotes you pick up should be mailed with subject line "Quote" to quotemaster@ucam.org. No offence is meant to any person living, dead or JML11. (Or DJSD100, for that matter.) All the quotes-related messages that have been sent since early 1991 are kept in the archive file all_quotes.txt in this filespace . Dates are when the quote was actually said, if known: otherwise they're dates of submission. Note that this file is in reverse chronological order. ----------- OSD1000: "There is methodism in my madness." (30/6/00) OSD1000: "That's still somehow rude... It's the vigorous vertical motion that does it." (30/6/00) OSD1000: "The wonderful thing about English is there's only so many places a cream cracker will fit." (30/6/00) OSD1000: "Synchronised swimming is eerie" DPS1001: "Especially when it's being done by ducks" (30/6/00) SA121: "Bear in mind that mine's only 9 foot." (29/6/00) SJOH0357: "I've got a lot of nerve-endings and I've every intention of enjoying all of them." (28/6/00) ELB30: "I never used to be able to move without my halo slipping!" (28/6/00) RJK1002: "zubstitute, n. using a bee flying backwards instead of almost anything else." (28/6/00) SA121: "There's so many British mammals you can do." (27/6/00) mattheww@chiark: "You can sink into depravity, and you can certainly sink into cream cheese." (26/6/00) VKC20: "Oh, you're Jon Amery; I thought you'd look a lot more like Brian Blessed." (23/6/00) OSD1000: "What's wrong with Martin Read?" VKC20: "He's not in a tin" (23/6/00) eaobrien@chiark: "Urgh, the vampire's full of sediment..." (18/6/00) CAS52: "Everyone's equal, provided none of them has an axe." (10/6/00) IWJ10: "And God signs the message with the miracle..." (29/5/00) MCV21 (mis-scoring a game of contract whist): "Er, ENOMATHS" CJW44: "ECHEATING!" MCV21: "That too." (23/5/00) IWJ10 (to RJK1002): "You're turning the coffee table into a lovenest!" (5/5/00) HERT0145: "Generally if you took small children out to dinner, you wouldn't expect them to wear a jacket and tie until they were..." AJM46: "...fully cooked." (27/4/00) MCV21: "I'm far too sweet and innocent to read that sort of book" CAS52: "Excuse me, aren't you a vet?" PEMB0471: "I was going to say 'Aren't you Matthew Vernon?'" PTC24: "I thought you were only innocent where homo... sapiens is concerned." (17/4/00) OSD1000: "I don't accuse anyone of hypocrisy, as that would be hypocritical." (17/4/00) PEMB0471: "I'd have spent forever trying to get it off with a corkscrew" (17/4/00) OSD1000 (to RJK1002): "Would you like a cup of sex?" (17/4/00) HERT0145: "I think I inserted that candle a bit too forcibly" (17/4/00) PEMB0471: "Meanwhile, back in the real world..." RJK1002: "...Snow White's feet don't appear to be relevant..." (14/4/00) HERT0145: "I think I can tell babies apart better than I can tell sheep apart" SDE1000: "Radio frequency tags are getting cheaper." (14/4/00, 30/6/00) RJK1002: "I want instant gratification and I want it now!" HERT0145: "Later, dear." (20/3/00) ELB30: "It's not stealing if they let you try it on first." (19/3/00) DCR24: "If the only way I could get a blow job was to invade a country, I'd think there was a problem." (13/3/00) JDA23: "Mr.Vernon, you do not appear to be making full use of your width." (1/3/00) CAS52 (to PEMB0471): "You're just a mechanism for generating gossip" (28/2/00) TAJC2 (to PTC24): "Tell me when you feel a climax approaching" (18/2/00) OSD1000: "I'd be far happier if I didn't have any emotions." (17/2/00) ML10003: "I don't think our aim was to produce a complete classification of cheese." (15/2/00) IWJ10: "I think that great respect is a good excuse for a shag" (8/2/00) MCV21: "Have you ever seen a walrus masturbate?" (5/2/00) PEMB0471: "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!" OSD1000: "He's somewhere in between: he's a Liberal Democrat." (1/1/00) PEMB0471: "Tasty things get drunk. Of course I get drunk a lot." (12/12/99) SJK25: "To paraphrase Bertrand Russell, 'The problem with the world is Ian Jackson'" (10/12/99) OSD1000: "Yes, I'm afraid I'm so desperate that I try to pick up women in /var/lib" (19/11/99) VKC20: "Never get between a geek and his duvet." (19/11/99) IWJ10: "Oh darling, stab me with your..." PTC24: "Stab me with your army in Trieste!" (16/11/99) ML10003: "Speaking as a vet, what would you recommend for a persistent cough?" MCV21: "Euthanasia, I think." (14/11/99) PTC24: "I'm going to cheat at patience..." (12/11/99) DCR24: "Multimedia please" AFB24: "What colour?" DCR24: "Two." (8/11/99) JTN20: "I consume pancakes without ethical constraint" (25/10/99) PS10: "I was _married_ before you were born!" JPK28: "So were my parents, I can cope with that concept." (15/10/99) RRW1000 (in his wedding speech): "We'd like to thank ucam.chat and GROGGS, and the hat's just fallen off our dalek." (12/10/99) ML10003: "Surely it is the right of a Fellow to eat cheese on toast in the doorway?" (20/9/99) JS10039: "I don't see what's so Freudian about a crocodile with a chainsaw" (20/9/99) IWJ10: "You see, what I did was raise e to the power of the price of my pizza." (20/9/99) BJH21: "This will be a man who's used to bashing his head against a 19th Century neo-Gothic building" (20/9/99) OSD1000: "I've got a squaw to settle with you..." (20/9/99) ELB30: "I'm not [drunk] it's just the floor doesn't feel quite vertical." (20/9/99) OSD1000: "I'd let you put it there if we had a camera." (20/9/99) BJH21: "Do not spool, mindle or ... futilate?" (28/8/99) OSD1000: "He wanted information about my local parts." (16/8/99) CAS52: "Croquet is like Illuminati, only with balls." (6/8/99) OSD1000: "This is the 1990s, you know." CEB28: "Yes? And?" OSD1000: "It'll soon be the 1920s" (6/8/99) CEB28: "If you need to make up the numbers, I'll happily sleep in your bed one night" (29/6/99) SGT20: "Parties are things which have whips" (16/5/99) ELB30: "You should see where I get the bruises from _that_." (13/3/99) SDE1000: "Could I have some of your offspring? I never have enough." (6/5/98) RJK1002: "It must be wonderful being so un-self-conscious." ECI1000: "I never really thought about it." (8/12/97) OSD1000: "Yes, well, this is what you get if you plug your Ethernet into a rat." (25/11/97) OSD1000: "I went out on Friday night and got completely rationalised." (25/11/97) AOS20 (re DJSD100's tea-drinking habits) "But drinking tea is a restrained and sedate thing to do." OSD1000: "David _can_ be restrained and sedated..." (25/11/97) MTBC100: "How did we get onto sexuality? I'm working against a 30 minute dial-up timeout here!" (23/11/97) DR10009 to AND1000: "All the women who come along to Green End parties are either attached or have already dumped you." (29/8/97) DJSD100: "We need a seventh cheese" DJSD100: "This implies making the slightly unwieldy gorgonzoladay applicable only in the seven day cheese weeks." RJK1002: "The year starts with... _destiny_..." DJSD100: "...and ends with Stilton." (2/7/97) BFJ1000: "I may have more computers than friends, but my girlfriend still costs me more than the modem does!" (30/6/97) BJH21: "What are you going to do with it?" AJM46: "Force it!" BJH21: "No, I mean the sheep!" (26/6/97) JMB29: "Snow White is a hell of a lot sexier in person." (25/6/97) DAG1000: "Can anybody hold my mead while I go find the rest of my clothes?" (12/6/97) DPS1001: "Sex, death and the European Union in one thread, the three great taboos." (12/5/97) DJSD100: "I'm trying to determine what sex I am, but I can't see my own nose." (10/1/97) MJH22: "I think if they'd been wasting their time having sex I would have been much more relaxed about it." (1/5/97) JKR1003: "Perhaps I shall have my midlife crisis now and beat the rush." (10/3/97) ex-EJH1006: "Is it like a pomegranate, or is it a mutant Israeli tomato thing?" (talking about a persimmon) (5/3/97) ex-ECI1000: (re MJS1006) "Whatever it was that we were doing, we're not doing it any more." (2/3/97) MPR22: "Or is it just me that has had a sex life oddly reminiscent of a weird Romanian animation film from time to time?" (18/2/97) DR10009: "Austin, what are you on about?" AND1000: "The relative scarcity of aardvarks compared to microseconds." (27/1/97) CDM1003: "You've got the penis, you operate the phone!" (19/1/97) CDM1003: "I've never even seen [IWJ10]'s genitalia, more's the pity..." (19/1/97) ex-SA121: "We need a conspiracy theory big enough to include a hatstand." (17/1/97) AND1000: "I should have not gone to that dodgy place and sold my genitals." (10/1/97) SDE1000: "I haven't spent enough time with my head down that toilet." (31/12/96) JKR1003: "It's a toss-up as to what comes first, the bathroom or the thesis." (31/12/96) JKR1003: "Where did that banana come from?" MJH22: "It just appeared in my mouth." (21/12/96) MJH22: "You can smear me as much as you like." (21/12/96) MJH22: "I'm not a dipstick, I'm a sump." (21/12/96) RML21 (to IWJ10): "Didn't you used to be at Churchill? Are you *that* Ian Jackson?" (13/12/96) AND1000: "Steve [SDE1000] was on the pull, I was just out for a good time." (13/12/96) OSD1000: "We clearly need an infra-red camera in the loo." (8/12/96) SDE1000: "A combination of head and wind is not very nice." (25/11/96) AND1000: "People would pay money just to experience me!" (12/11/96) ex-ECI1000 (editing colours with an RGB colour editor): "...so, how do I get green?" (7/11/96) ex-RJK1002 (to OSD1000): "Was that part of you or part of me?" (7/11/96) ex-RJK1002: "It's not hereditory: neither of my parents was called John." ex-MJW1007: "Both of mine were." (3/11/96) ex-MJS1006: "I am seriously lying here with the telephone and Clare [ex-ECI1000] on top of me." (31/10/96) PAS14 (of OSD1000): "I can hold him --- I don't have a groin." (21/10/96) OSD1000: "Hang on a cotton-picking minuet ..." (26/06/96) MJH22: "I have exceptionally tenuous buttocks." (22/06/96) AND1000: "Esther Rantzen has a slot for kinky vegetables." (10/06/96) JTJM2: (in ucam.chat) "I don't believe any of my postings can have convinced anyone that I am a fuckwit." (29/05/96) PAS14: "I wasn't looking at the thing I drove the car into, that's nothing to do with spatial awareness." (18/05/96) PAS14: "If I email you then you'll take your clothes off; that's no good, I'm on a text-only terminal." (15/05/96) IWJ10: "So you pressed ctrl-C ctrl-C ctrl-X ctrl-C ctrl-D ctrl-D." DJH1008: "Well, you're a control freak!" (15/05/96) PAS14: "I don't know why you think I'm an appropriate person to ask about losing reputations." (15/05/96) DPS1001: "My xterms have to be black because if I make them white, I can't hear the radio." (04/05/96) ex-MJS1006 [to ECI1000]: "Your best feature is that you don't run Windows" (01/05/96) AND1000: "I shouldn't have had last that last glass of last of glass of port." (27/04/96) IWJ10: "Stop contradicting me, then." AND1000: "I'm not contradicticting you." (18/04/96) RFK1000 [of OSD1000]: "I could just about imagine crawling into his bed and biting him while he was unaware." (17/04/96) Ex-JMB29: "I hear you two are going to be living in sin." AND1000: "Where's sin?" Ex-JMB29: "Anywhere you want it to be." (14/04/96) OSD1000: "I think asking Austin for sexual favours is quite reasonable." OSD1000: "Were it possible, I'd have Austin's babies." (14/04/96) AND1000 [apropos a scrawled list of quotes]: "I'll have to get drunk again so I can read it." (14/04/96) DNA1000: "This is 24mm, which is a hell of a lot wider than most people can boast." (14/04/96) OSD1000: "There are hackers and there are lumberjacks." Ex-RJK1002: "Huh?" OSD1000: "I'm keeping my silence on that one - I'm not quite sure what it means myself." (13/04/96) CRB11: "I keep thinking: there was void over the face of the Earth, and God cast it to Earth." (04/04/96) OSD1000: "Presumably Richard [ex-rjk1002] isn't going to marry everyone in the world." (04/04/96) Ex-JMB29: "It's scary to think that at one time Latin was portable code." (31/03/96) NSM14: "I said high art and culture, not bloody opera!"(31/03/96) MJH22: "Some of us are getting old faster than others."(31/03/96) MJH22: "I got a 2.1 all three years, which must say something about my sex life." (31/03/96) RRW1000: "I'm going to get rid of my girlfriend by morphing her into Julian." (31/03/96) AND1000 [to ML10003]: "Marisa, you don't have a userid so you don't have a middle name." (26/03/96) Ex-HDW11: "It's like nanotechnology, only bigger..." (18/03/96) DJSD100: "The only aspect in which I am similar to Mrs Thatcher is that I am not recognisably female." (16/03/96) AND1000 [to ECI1000]: "Do you have a groin?" MJH22: "Clare has a groin." ECI1000: "As far as I know, I have a groin." PAS14: "Perhaps we could go somewhere quieter and investigate..." (11/03/96) Ex-SA121: "You've not had Nir [ex-NL105] come up to you in a lecture and say `I recognise those legs.'" (10/03/96) MJH22: "You think _I've_ had too much port ? At least I know which woman is which." (11/02/96) ECI1000: "Help, I'm being descended on by a manic frog [MJH22]." (11/02/96) OSD1000: "It's quite the most foul thing I've seen in my life. It looks like it's composed entirely of bollocks." (09/02/96) RRW1000: "Want a bonk?" EMPP1: "I'd rather play Doom." (31/01/96) DJH1008: "That's why you've had your hair cut, so the light can get to your eyes." Ex-RJK1002: I photosynthesize, you know. (28/01/96) IWJ10: "You were fighting me off." ML10003: "Yes, I thought you were a wasp." (28/01/96) PAS14 (in ucam.chat): "Male tortoises on Aldabra will bonk anything" (25/01/96) DJH1008 to ex-RJK1002: "I love it when you vibrate your head, Richard." (23/01/96) DJSD100: "I've ridden whatever they call horses before they call them horses." (15/01/96) DPS1001: "My teddy had an imaginary friend, personally." (15/01/96) DJH1008 (to PJB1008) "I love you! I want to have your lecture notes!" (14/01/96) AND1000: "On a vt100 it's escape seven em." RJK1002: "Austin, do you have any idea of the magnitude of my indifference to these things?" (07/01/96) CRB11: "The church I go to has the latest morning service in Cambridge. It's full of Computer Scientists." (17/12/95) OSD1000: "Clive's not a vampire, but he certainly looks a bit undead." (17/12/95) OSD1000: "If Hell is a state of mind, then my mind's in Essex." (17/12/95) PAS14: "I can see his [ex-RJK1002's] bum and his elbow." CRB11: "Can you tell the difference?" (17/12/95) JDG1002: "She was very nice, _and_ I couldn't understand a word she was saying." (15/12/95) TJRC1: "I can pick my nose with my tongue, so there." (15/12/95) SDE1000: "I'm cultivating a toast cabinet." (10/12/95) OSD1000: "Do we accept that Unix is a third declension noun?" All: "Yes..." (09/12/95) RJK1002: "The road to the Mond is paved with good intentions." (09/12/95) OSD1000: "I don't want a helipad on my gas meter." (08/12/95) IWJ10: "You've got to blindfold them so they don't know it's coming, then you can go bouncy-bouncy-bouncy on them." (08/12/95) RRW1000: "I'm not marrying it, I'm eating it." (02/12/95) PAS14 (to MJH22): "They're my best buttons, and you're not allowed to eat them!" (28/11/95) PAS14: "I'm not speaking German, I'm speaking words." (28/11/95) ECI1000: "There's this dance... you do it in pairs of five." (28/11/95) ECI1000: "I'm quite awake. I've only had one glass of... whatever." (25/11/95) RJK1002: "How embarassing, my backside's leaking spare neutrons." (24/11/95) CD10001: "You're not a real canoeist if you haven't pissed in your wetsuit." (24/11/95) Ex-MJS1006: "There's nothing wrong with having erotic fantasies about Jaffa Cakes..." (24/11/95) MJH22: "I'm obviously not as memorable when I don't have people grovelling in my groin..." (24/11/95) IWJ10: "You are presuming that you can only have ducks with exterior vertices." (24/11/95) RJK1002: "No good reason to get out of bed for an alien landing." (22/11/95) OSD1000: "It's still got Helen's bidet party on it." (20/11/95) n.harris@ic.ac.uk: "I wouldn't say that I'm dominant exactly, just like to have my own way all the time." (16/11/95) Ex-SA121: "I don't know which is more amazing: the hair or the girlfriend." (13/11/95) AND1000 (to MJH22): "So, you want babies rather than basic reproduction?" (11/11/95) MTBC100 (of PAS14): "I suddenly realised that here was a woman who knew when to put the oil in." (11/11/95) OSD1000 (to assembled company): "All of you have featured in my dreams at some point, but usually as random people chasing me with lemons. ... Well, I have these fruit dreams, you see..." (11/11/95) IWJ10: "Three is a ménage à trois. That's not four." (11/11/95) ECLC100: "We don't have a chance to talk about salad cream any more." (10/11/95) DAG1000 to MJH22: "I don't know, all I can see is a mop of curly hair and a bottle." [Story of my life -- Ed.] (10/11/95) JKR1003: "I didn't want a moral basis for redistributive taxation, I just wanted free porn! Bloody hell!" (10/11/95) MJH22 (to OSD1000): "Well in that case I'm your grandfather." (09/11/95) LJW1004: "Of course, Christina Rosetti wouldn't be seen dead in the Mond Room." (04/11/95) AND1000: "Oh, is she at New Hall too?" (Austin wins the Goering Award for Cultural Awareness) (04/11/95) RM10006: "On a scale of 1 to Richard Watts, you rank beyond Richard Watts." (04/11/95) MJH22: [to PAS14] "Your userid is not an organ of your body, sweetheart." (04/11/95) MJH22: "Richard Watts is in fact all my favourite people." (04/11/95) JKR1003 (explaining his incompetence): "I've had too much of that Wicked whatever-it-was." (03/11/95) DJSD100: "What would I do with an 18 inch cock?" (20/10/95) IWJ10: "Clive would be a lot worse if he were covered in papier-maché." (14/10/95) RJK1002: "After all that port I'm barely in a state to distinguish between a padlock and a cursor." (24/09/95) PAS14: "There isn't a King of France, because we don't know whether he's bald or not." (24/09/95) MJH22: "I wonder what a bottom is and how you higgle it. [pause] I know what a bottom is." (24/09/95) AND1000: "So what's this Phoenix lark then. How do I go about using it?" [at 9.01 *sniff*] (01/09/95) CRB11: "Is that chocolate cake UACC ALTER?" (01/09/95) DAC11: "I can't telnet a curry down here." (01/09/95) +***From RGEP: Tomorrow I go in to advisory and say +***From RGEP: 'There's something wrong with my Phoenix account' +***From RGEP: 'I don't seem to be able to log in any more' (31/08/95) DJSD100: "Of course, you don't know what your friend's definition of cute is." IWJ10: "Probably to be seen with [AG129]." DJSD100: "Well, almost anyone would look cute next to [AG129]." (26/08/95) Ex-GT102: "David Hartley would be turning in his grave if he were dead." (26/08/95) EMPP1: "I want a patch to make me female." (24/08/95) PAS14: "Bob [RJD4] isn't one for not inflating any woman who..." Omnes: "Quote!" (16/08/95) MJH22 [to PAS14]: ...so which one of us is male and which is female then? (16/08/95) ex-SA121: "I have no control over the primary colours; they are entirely at the whim of Cambridge Cable." (16/08/95) IWJ10 [to MJH22]: "Martin, you do a remarkably good impression of a repressed Viking with a penknife." (16/08/95) +***From FJMD1: What I want is a girlfried chin letter (11/08/95) IWJ10: "Martin, you're turning into Francis Davey, now." MJH22: "I think Francis has a very sensible outlook on life." (07/08/95) TC108: "If a lion can do TeX, why can't a dog do Postscript?" (30/07/95) IWJ10: "I'm suffering from Parsley fatigue." (21/07/95) IWJ10: "I'm especially good in the back seat." (07/07/95) PAS14: "Fancy having a country run by someone who doesn't like garlic ..." (03/07/95) Ex-TGR10: "There's a difference between a sense of adventure and having beer slopped on your groin." (02/07/95) MJH22: "What's the age of consent for ducks?" (02/07/95) MTBC100: "You have to be drunk to appreciate Elizabeth Pringle." (20/06/95) MTBC100: "There's nothing like having a big organ you can impress people with." (20/06/95) OSD1000: "Mike Pitt's tongue is one of the most unpleasant things I've experienced." (11/06/95) EMPP1: "I had more people to deal with than anyone else has ever had." (11/06/95) EMPP1: "Have I said anything I can't remember?" (11/06/95) DJSD100: "It's hard enough for me to post news with my nose without you lot making it harder." (10/06/95) AND1000: "A dyke is a low wall. PAS14: "Where have you been all your life?" AND1000: "Holland, basically." (09/06/95) DJSD100: "I cannot try, I have no other functionality."(09/06/95) IWJ10: "People don't use roller-skates as a substitute for sex?" (09/06/95) Ex-IJW11: The problem with this is that it goes very rigid when there's a lot of suck on it. (08/06/95) +***From RB10007: excuse any cock-ups, I'm having a wank, or am I just using a Mac +***From RB10007: I'm shooting off now. See ya (07/06/95) Ex-TH10006: "What's the use of radio galaxies anyway?" MJH22: [rhetorically]: "What is the use of a new-born child?" Ex-TH10006: "Well, you could have a game of Rugby." (29/05/95) RJK1002: "What are you doing for food this evening?" DJSD100: "I'm considering screaming and leaping at some random Arts student." (24/05/95) DJSD100: "Tell him can I be 5 minutes while I propose to someone of indeterminate sex?" (24/05/95) AND1000 (encountering a Nethack gecko): "Ooh, a geeko." RJK1002: "A small lizard-like compsci." DJSD100: "A small compsci-like Lizard." (22/05/95) Ex-MJW19: "What about using a loaded dildo as a shotgun - is that safe sex?" (see also 28/09/92) (22/05/95) MJH22: "I can see myself through this hole in the back of my neck." (21/05/95) Faith Giddings [friend of DJSD100]: "There's no gossip on [DJSD100] because no-one will have anything to do with him." (16/05/95) DJSD100: "I just had to look at my watch to see what year it is." (16/05/95) JKR1003: [At a fun fair]: "That [ride] looks like a Tripos question." (14/05/95) TC108: "If you're shagging, you can't shag in public, but if you're not shagging, you can not shag anywhere." (11/05/95) MTBC100: "You've got your dangly thing caught between my legs." (27/04/95) +***From MSG1000: Er, I'm getting disjointed here - there go my arms off into the sunset... (25/04/95) Ex-MJW19 [to ex-IWJ11]: "I think 21p is a fair price for putting my head between your legs, thank you very much." (19/04/95) ex-DAC11: "They want to iron out the hiccups." (01/04/95) RJK1002: "I'm usually good at saying things like `sitting on cheese', but after a while they tend to grate a bit." (24/03/95) RJK1002: [re the above] "I'll never be able to look myself in the eye again." (24/03/95) OSD1000: "...otherwise there would be three Davids [DJSD100] and one of them would be female." (24/03/95) RRW1000: "Look what came up." EMPP1: "Well, flick it some more and maybe it'll get big enough to jump on." [While playing Doom, so they claim...] (20/03/95) RJK1002: "Computer, Computer Scientist - there's no real difference is there?" (19/03/95) Ex-MJW19: "Ah, the days when you had to decide between going to the pub and going to the Mond Room..." (19/03/95) DJH1008: "I can insert it menacingly up your bottom, alright?" (19/03/95) DJH1008: (to ex-CRJ10) "What's your glue of choice, then?" (19/03/95) OSD1000: "Do you think we should pay to send Dave [DJH1008] on an umbrella training course?" (19/03/95) DAG1000: "I wouldn't have a wheelchair to stand on, let alone a leg!" (18/03/95) OSD1000: "Life is too complicated *without* mushrooms."(18/03/95) JMB29: "I do in fact edit myself to avoid causing offence." (11/03/95) RJF1001: "I'm not randomly getting off with people just for the sake of your bloody graph." (11/03/95) Ex-MJW19: "If I should die, think only this of me. There is a crumbly, flaky thing - goodnight." (08/03/95) SDE1000: "I have been narged at by a slide rule." (07/03/95) HJB1002: "Snails are quite attractive." (07/03/95) OSD1000 (to DAG1000): "Where's your head gone?" (07/03/95) RJF1001: "Are you sure it's not Michael Jackson in the disc drive?" (05/03/95) ex-JMB29: [referring to the Marriage of Figaro]: "It's from a play by Beaujolais." (05/03/95) PJB1008: "The Mond room isn't a very romantic place, is it." (04/03/95) +***From RJK1002: Is there any sensible way to smoke a pancake? (28/02/95) NG110: "I've never eaten a theoretical research group before." (23/02/95) PAS14: Lots of flailing naked just-woken-up male flesh, that's what I like. (21/02/95) +***From MJW1007: BTW my spelling is because I'm running Windows. (17/02/95) JKR1003: "I can't get my teeth around it, it's too small." (16/02/95) DJSD100: "Anything natural is likely to be dirty and unpleasant." (15/02/95) OSD1000: "Is it illegal to possess one of those that you lick?" [he claimed when pressed to have been talking about frogs] (13/02/95) MJH22: "Imagine nonoxynol-9 smeared all over the read/write head." (13/02/95) IWJ10 [to MJH22]: "I can probably run faster than you." MJH22: "We can have a lot of fun finding out." (13/02/95) OSD1000 [a la Marvin]: "I learned the word for 'commit suicide' in Arabic today. I just thought you might like to know." (13/02/95) MJH22 "I'm not used to it being 1994, and it's nearly March already." (13/02/95) OSD1000: "My password contains more shifty characters than the Tory cabinet." (11/02/95) DJH1008: "I've got a bigger bum than I thought." (05/02/95) HJB1002: "Only Ian Jackson can save the world." (03/02/95) JKR1003: "Just think about Microsoft condoms..." Ex-SA121: "General Protection Fault." (03/02/95) SDE1000: "I am a well-known dribbler." (03/02/95) JKR1003: "Martin's office is full of pigs and members of CUED with their pants down." (03/02/95) +***From IWJ10: I'm only up to about 2 inches, but I'm using two desks, the top of the heater and my monitor. (02/02/95) Ex-HP102: "Well you only have a 40th birthday once every ten years." (31/01/95) [In the College computer officers' meeting...] RJS1: "If you're not very clever, use a Macintosh". (18/01/95) EAM1002: "Oh dear, lots of people are going to get Blobbed and I suspect both of them are going to be me." (16/01/95) FJMD1: "Sheep and moas are about the same." (12/01/95) +***From GKS1: A crab, I would imagine. I can do you one +***From GKS1: at cost-price; fell off the back of a lorry, +***From GKS1: honest guv. More and more! Now in its tenth +***From GKS1: interesting week! No, there's more to come. +***From GKS1: These stretch limos are big, aren't they? +***From GKS1: Only in training. well, Carol, if that happens +***From GKS1: you look away, or put on dark glasses, or +***From GKS1: capture the optician. Yes, but mine took 55 +***From GKS1: minutes to do a journey that used to take half +***From GKS1: an hour. +***From GKS1: Oh blast, I thought I was in MAIL. (06/01/95) RJK1002: "Did you read the Tit Hall Milk thread?" [on ucam.chat] OSD1000: "I skimmed it." (28/12/95) Ex-MJW19: "Global thermonuclear war is a totally reasonable response to being tickled." (07/12/94) OSD1000: "It's OK. Goblins program in COBOL." (04/12/94) EMPP1: [whilst playing TIE fighter] "It's not the kind of thing you notice when you're trying to eat a satsuma in the middle of a space battle." (03/12/94) MJH22: "Mine's twelve foot long and orange, too." (02/12/94) EJH1006: "What's a bus? I'm only an arts student." (02/12/94) +***From FJMD1: I am slightly tempted to become a sex therapist. It might be good work (30/11/94) Ex-JMB29: "I've been spending the entire weekend staring at ceilings." (26/11/94) Ex-MJW19: "Never have sex while listening to a Monty Python record." (26/11/94) IWJ10: "Colin came over here because the conversation over there was less interesting." MJH22: "He was probably talking to Clive." (26/11/94) THB11: "He's going through his Minstrel period." (26/11/94) AND1000: (to DJH1008): "Dave, you're a choirboy!" (26/11/94) IWJ10: (re `Linus Torrrrrrrvalds') "The .au file does it better than I can." (26/11/94) DJSD100: "I can't handle being accepted." (25/11/94) ex-XXM10: "I am the game warden for the information rhinoceros." (24/11/94) EMPP1: (in ucam.rec.games.assassin) (we'll leave the cupboard out of it. I only went in there because it was dark in there and the lights were biting me!) (22/11/94) EMPP1: "I'm not sad. I haven't logged on for at least 15 hours." (20/11/94) EMPP1: "There's a fiver. That's about what I cost." (in a take-away) (20/11/94) RRW1000: "Which one's sweeter: white or red wine?" (20/11/94) Ex-CRJ10: "Well, I'm not a *complete* sex-crazed pervert, you know" (19/11/94) Ex-MJW19: "Since I was already replacing sperm with transistor I figured replacing God with Tudor was okay." (16/11/94) DJSD100: "I've never even heard of Frank Field .... other than that he's a Tory." (16/11/94) DJSD100: (to EMPP1, female) "Sorry, had you noticed you had a little hole?" (16/11/94) ["Charles" is JRP's toddler] +***From JRP1: Must go and pick up Charles from school. (a few NOTIFYs later) +***From JRP1: I need to go and rescue the local sex-maniac at once. (14/11/94) Ex-MJW19: "I am a tool of Satan." Ex-CRJ10: "Quote!" Ex-MJW19: "I don't care. Satan is one of my favourite people - after Joan Bakewell." (13/11/94) [Clive = ex-CRJ10, Boydie=THB11; said over a talker] Clive valiantly offers to save Boydie the trouble of having sex with Carol Vorderman. (10/11/94) TC108: "What colour do you think Muhammad was? He wasn't white..." TJRC1: "He wasn't black either." TC108: "He was, in the dark." (08/11/94) SCD12: [about William Gibson] "His novels don't come across as a Canadian view of the future... you'd expect more mooses." (06/11/94) PJB1008: "That girl over there's not responding to input." (03/11/94) MJH22: "Vodka is more important than coffee, and dresses are intrinsically more appealing than socks." (02/11/94) MJH22: "I don't know what it is that attracts me to minor male parts." (02/11/94) HJB1002 (to MJH22): "That'll keep you safely laid for a few months" (02/11/94) HJB1002 (to MJH22): "Does that mean that if we stand face to face and point them at each other I get it first?" (02/11/94) DJSD100: "I think I made `dissimilate' up on the spur of the moment, which would explain why I don't know what it means." (02/11/94) RJK1002: "My bank statement would have to be in hex to be convenient." (26/10/94) HMAF1: "CUSFS? That sounds more like some peculiar sexual practice!" (26/10/94) DJSD100: "I think my bedder has a motion sensor attached to my trousers." (26/10/94) Clive (ex-CRJ10): "I'd use a creme egg rather than a 250g bar for ultimate satisfaction, you know." (21/10/94) RIT10: "The Psalms are numbered between zero and 147..." (14/10/94) ex-GRM11: "I was importuned by an exceptionally large piece of broccoli." (14/10/94) +***From GER11: Which is West Rd anyway? I used to know these things but I've forgotten. (14/10/94) An American tourist, overheard by EMPP1 in the ADC after a performance of The Marriage of Figaro: "I know some of that music - it's from a film called _Amadeus_." (13/10/94) IWJ10: "I have protection." (IWJ's protection sidles off to the left) MJH22: "General Protection Fault!" (09/10/94) JKR1003: "Are you selling your elbow in public again?" (09/10/94) [joint hug] DJH1008: "It's cosy in here, isn't it?" HJB1002: "Oh my God! Rugby!" (09/10/94) MJH22: "You see Churchill and die." (09/10/94) DJH1008: "I've run out of fingers." AND1000: "A quota of 10 isn't enough - apply for more!"(09/10/94) TJRC1: "Are we going to eat before or after the meal?" (08/10/94) ex-TGR10: "I'm always a model of politeness." Kathy (Tim's better half): "Obviously not a working model." (28/09/94) ex-MJW19 (provisional driving licence holder, doesn't drive): "You shouldn't think while driving, it just slows you down." (05/09/94) VHK10 (in Groggs): When I try and look at the picture of myself, I appear to be largely featureless. I'm told this is because I only have 4MB RAM ... (16/08/94) +***From IWJ10: Not really, but it feels a bit stiff and odd at times, and so I'm treating it very gently. (08/08/94) JMB29 [to EMPP1 and RRW1000] "You two _are_ married!" EMPP1: "No, I'm just paying." (07/08/94) MJH22: "You are speaking of the woman I love!" JMB29: "Yes, the RSPCA have been informed." (07/08/94) +***From FJMD1: I make sure I chat people up, even in fire alarms (03/08/94) FJMD1 (on uk.singles): OK so I'm male and English, but you can spank me anytime. (02/08/94) +***From MJH22: JULIAN'S CODE ATE MY BABY (25/07/94) RRW1000 [to MJH22]: "It's the only use you've found for banana-flavoured trainers." (21/07/94) TC108: "There's a sticky thing in the sofa. Do you want to feel it? It went up my bum." TC108: [shortly afterwards] "I wouldn't mind but Bob Dowling's been sitting on it all evening." (06/07/94) +***From IBH11: I knew love was blind, but I didn't know it affected your sense of smell too! (24/06/94) +***From JMB29: Anyone who nargs should die. (21/06/94) ex-MJW19 (of ex-TGR10): "If he thinks the windows smell like buggery he's obviously doing it wrong." (17/06/94) +***From TDA10: (what does "french kiss" mean?) (16/06/94) THB11: "She's either trying to kill him, or he's shagging her. [pause] He's got the handcuffs out, so it could still be either." (15/06/94) EMPP1: "Why am I lying on the floor?" DNA1000: "Because you're more pissed than I am." (14/06/94) Ex-CRJ10: "We could go into town and try to crash a may ball?" Ex-MJW19: "Why not take Tim Roddis with us - he can crash anything." (14/06/94) THB11: "That can't be the CUCS Garden Party - it's too popular!" (14/06/94) OSD1000: "I refuse to be quoted." and shortly afterwards OSD1000: "It's scandalous providing him with paper. He'll write things down." (13/06/94) MHP1001: "I just like the idea of having a five foot spike coming out of my head." (13/06/94) ex-MBAR100: "Sisyphean is a word that springs to mind...just not very often." (13/06/94) SAM1007: "Let's walk down the centre of the road. I'll hit any cars that come." (13/06/94) OSD1000: "I dread to think what David [Damerell] would be like if his hair were infinite." (13/06/94) OSD1000: "Who's going to test the beta-release of Ian?"(13/06/94) NSM14: "I seem to be deflating your ego again." JMB29: "You've had a lot of practice." NSM14: "You've had a lot of ego." (13/06/94) MJH22: "I've tried fingering myself, but it just doesn't work." (13/06/94) IWJ10: "But I don't like pencils that have a rubber on the end." Ex-MAR19: "In which case you use a standalone rubber." (11/06/94) +***From MJS1006: Compscis have zero momentum(they tend to sit still a lot) so their position is completely indeterminate, ie. they could be in bed OR in Cockcroft 4... +***From RB10006: Or in Nir's case, both simultaneously. (10/06/94) MJH22: "I have 300 million grandparents coming to visit me this weekend and they're all made of cobalt." (10/06/94) IWJ10: "Anshu makes almost as bad an impression in person as in real life." (09/06/94) IWJ10: "If you managed to create a time machine, you would most likely get run over by a bus." (09/06/94) +***From TC108: well, we could do a quickie before you go home, and a long one later, when I've finished? (09/06/94) +***From TDA10: maybe I can find one at Newnham. They tend to wander round there late at night. (09/06/94) DJSD100: "Tact is for people who aren't right." (03/06/94) PJB1008: [in ucam.comp-serv.suggest] There is a sign in the user area asking people not to open the window because it negates the effect of the user area. (02/06/94) IWJ10: "This is Earl Grey!" ex-EMK1001: "Yes???" IWJ10: "Sorry, I was expecting tea!" (02/06/94) TC108: "I've only heard the word 'off' preceded by 'fuck', actually, so I didn't understand it preceded by 'clothes'." (27/05/94) TC108: "We're not talking Ian Jackson here, we're talking reality." (27/05/94) [To TJRC1] +***From TC108: we could go out tonight if you like, or I could give you a life somewhere (20/05/94) CRB11: "I know I believe in one God, but I don't know who he is." (16/05/94) JMB29: "I haven't got the hang of this relationship lark." PDH12: "It's just an element of X*X." (16/05/94) ***From JMB29: When you're tired of CompSci you're tired of life. (15/05/94) RJK1002: "Your door's buggered." OSD1000: "I know, I buggered it deliberately." (05/05/94) RJD4: "I've been dribbled on too many times in Newnham..." (04/05/94) OSD1000 (to RJK1002): "You're the closest thing to a Unix box that I've got at the moment." (05/05/94) ex-TGR10: "You can go into supermarkets and pick up women by telling them what all the E-numbers are." (30/04/94) ex-CRJ10: "I'm trying to remember what, if anything, I said no to." (30/04/94) CRB11: "I'm not narging, I'm talking about paper email." (30/04/94) AG120: "Until last night, I thought Richard Kistruck was Jesus." (29/04/94) AG120: "The wages of sin isn't death, is it, Rosie? It's Bailey's." (28/04/94) JMB29: "Sleeping with men is one thing, sleeping with Clive is downright perverted." (28/04/94) ex-JS138: "You're never out of temptation with a tin of chicken soup. (19/04/94) +***From VKW1000: anyway, I'm not a woman, I'm a compsci (18/04/94) +***From TC108: no, I like men who dress up in women's clothing and do the housework (14/04/94) +***From TC108: I'd recommend doing it normal, it's easier to fake if you're knackered (13/04/94) DRJ11: "It's like spaghetti: impossible to think about but vital to life." (12/04/94) +***From JMB29: Well, one thing is that it's pretty useless talking to people at hermes unless you actually want to sleep with them. (11/04/94) JMB29 (on GROGGS) "At least I don't physically assault people whilst drunk. Well, not unles they're female, and I didn't _mean_ to." (11/04/94) +***From JMB29: the last thing I want is teeth in the vicinity of my buttocks (09/04/94) +***From VHK10: A hacker is someone who writes on the back of his hand even when you offer him a piece of paper. (07/04/94) +***From TC108: sex?? what's that? (07/04/94) JMB29: "I had a really good character before, but I was talking to Joshua and accidentally killed him." (29/03/94) +***From JMB29: All the best men are women. (28/03/94) MJH22 (to VHK10): "I envy you your thighs." (26/03/94) +***From TC108: I'm trying to strip in the other window and it's going funny. (03/03/94) DAC11: "The correct way of cutting the fallopian tube is to chew it." (26/02/94) AG120: "I don't have to resort to sleeping with [SPQR1] in order to get my supply of Bailey's, I'll have you know." (13/02/94) +***From TC108: it doesn't really want to roll, it wants to have a non-Euclidian surface like the Lake District (09/02/94) TC108 (to ex-GRM11): "Oooh, do it in my ear, Gavin!" (31/01/94) JCJ1000: "My balls may only last 3 seconds but I still score more than you." (30/01/94) DSTM1: "It may be topologically possible, Julian, but that doesn't mean it's sensible." (30/01/94) CMBL1: "He's sexy in a shifty sort of way" (of RPTB1) (21/01/94) +***From FJMD1: I am so male you could brush your teeth with me (18/01/94) SJD21: "Do you know, this is the first time I can ever remember being wrong?" (17/01/94) +***From IWJ10: I'm really desperate for pizza now. It must be displaced lust. (17/01/94) RRW1000 (to the Operators): "Did you know that the load on bootes.cus has just reached 200?" The Operators: "Is that good?" (13/01/94) +***From AJ111: Well, frightfully clever things aren't all that exciting, really, in my experience. It's the pig-ignorant things any fool can do that excite. (07/01/94) MJG1003: "I can't offer you sardine sandwiches: I haven't any tuna." (11/12/93) GNB10 (in GROGGS): It is, in fact, possible to open doors for people regardless of their sex. (06/12/93) +***From TC108: I just couldn't cope with the social complexities of going out with a turd (24/11/93) LLR10: "It's all right, I've got another 50 pence in the fridge" (24/11/93) MJH22: "Of course, if the atmosphere were fluorine we'd be all right... in the sense that we'd all be dead, and salt wouldn't work." (22/11/93) SJB1 (to JMAK1): "I'd love to oblige you, but not with a pair of spoons." (21/11/93) TC108: "I suppose I could get the odd thrill out of a fir cone." (18/11/93) PAS14: "It doesn't feel like a badger from the inside." (10/11/93) PRT10 (in Groggs): "I don't think CWS mentioned whether his fact was a true fact or a false fact." (22/10/93) +***From RJF1001: I know. It's a real shame not having any new 7-letter IDs, isn't it ? They all get given Herpes by the CS instead. (18/10/93) JRXR1: "How do you get the one dog to have more legs?" (14/10/93) CRB11: "My brain's gone... What's my brain gone?" (14/10/93) MJH22: "Cambridge is the only place where you can make a joke about complex analysis and a duck laughs." (05/10/93) SA121: "It's a very good reason for staying alive, if the afterlife is like Ian's bathroom." (05/10/93) MJH22 (to IWJ10): "Don't point your ears at me when you're reading Netnews, you revolting person." (02/10/93) ex-GRM11: "I'll be sure to save my Indecent Proposal for your return." (16/09/93) MJH22: "They don't make nipples like that any more." (23/08/93) ex-RC113 [best man]: "What time are things happening tomorrow?" GJM11 [bridegroom]: "What things?" ex-RC113: "The wedding." (16/08/93) +***From AJ111: Oh, right. But then as a literary critic I'm trained to misunderstand virtually every text I see. (16/08/93) MJH22: "I imagine anything with 3 back ends would be cute." (05/08/93) Ex-HP102: "That's not the Dalai Lama, it's Frank King." (12/07/93) ***From AJM8: One of my contemporaries (VERY STUPIDLY) filled in a random date in a section entitled: +***From AJM8: "IF you are married, give your wife'S d.o.b) claiming that he hadn't been told what to do if he wasn't.... (06/07/93) AG120: "I get travel sick talking to George Russell" (23/06/93) +***From AG120: ... I feel like dressing up as a computer just for a joke..... (22/06/93) MJW19: "Bach wrote more music than was humanely possible." (10/06/93) +***From NAS20: it very hot in my room, and i keep killing all these midgets - WHERE they coming from??? argh! (08/06/93) [To JML11] +***From RPTB1: Ok, I admit it: I'm seduced. Take me, baby. [and shortly afterwards] +***From RPTB1: Oh no, I'm not falling for that one. First _you_ give me your shirt, _then_ I'll think about my trousers. (08/06/93) +***From MJW19: (Mike): how about proving P=NP, always a good laugh. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. (06/06/93) ex-HP102: "It's probably safest to change your money into Zen. Er, the Japanese currency." (28/05/93) ***From PAM1001: (Paul) I have nothing better to do with my life but talk to Nir (27/05/93) +***From BCK1: Eskimos have 107 words for hippopotamus. notify bck1 Why should a hippopotamus want 107 words? +***From BCK1: That's all you're allowed on a telegram. (24/05/93) CWS10: (in Groggs) I did not suggest that I didn't like CRJ, just that he may need electro-shock therapy. (19/05/93) CWS10 (in Groggs): The question of disposing bodies in an effective and untraceable way has been puzzling me for a long time. (18/05/93) JP107 (in Groggs item H1352122): In case I didn't make it clear, the reason for the poor performance is almost certainly that BL10 is completely crap. (16/05/93) CRJ10: "Who needs hard drugs when you've got Green's functions?" (15/05/93) +***From IJW11: Bugger. I hate C. I hate projects. I hate CompSci. Do you think MacDonalds need a new waiter? (09/05/93) +***From THB11: Trying to talk to Clive is like having a conversation with a stroke victim on tranquilisers. (-8 +***From THB11: Or a corpse. Only ouija boards reply quicker. (05/05/93) CWS10: (in Groggs item H1182146):"The whole concept of love started as a ploy to sell more chocolates." (29/04/93) APS14 (on Part III Maths): "Cambridge's answer to the Total Perspective Vortex." (26/04/93) GJM11: (of JRP1) "He even has a copy of Mark Wainwright in his archive space." (22/03/93) [On IJW11's session:] +***From CRJ10: What the ****'s happened to Zinque? notify crj10 Bye. %logoff (The Great Zinque Cockup -- 20/03/93) CRJ10: "Chris Hacker is a thompson who hangs around all night." (19/03/93) Waiter at Caffe Piazza: "If you wanted cutlery, you should have gone to Pizza Express." (15/03/93) SJD21: "Oh God, he's quoting the Bible at me. What do I do now?" (followup) SJD21: "As long as he doesn't quote me as the senior Chapel Warden of Trinity I don't mind." (13/03/93) +***From JRP1: Well I was sitting here peacefully dozing over a few Blaschke products. I wasn't expecting stray primates. (12/03/93) KMJ1000 (CUS System manager): "It's my neck and I'll be chopped off at the knees." (Chairing the CUS planning meeting -- 12/03/93) [GKS1's session] ***From Operator: Tape GKS101 rejected by system asking for SL but system says its a non label tape *** CN(04) ***From Operator: Perhaps you can contact tape librarian? ********* *** CN(04) opsend Oh bugger. COULD SAY THAT (08/03/93) +***From GKS1: The worst thing about getting messages from the operators saying YOU COULD SAY THAT is the way they appear on the screen in capitals. +***From GKS1: It makes you feel you are being addressed by Death, at least if you have ever read a Discworld novel. (08/03/93) +***From MJW19: New grogname: "People used to kick sand in my face before I discovered UNIX. Now I am seven feet tall with extremely impressive genitals!" Bugger too long. Time for a .sig (01/03/93) +***From IJW11: It's OK, you're proably just pregnant. (25/02/93) AWPG1: "They [the USA] have. They've got a free-trade agreement against Canada." (24/02/93) IBH11: "Where's Nir?" TGR10: "He's gone to the toilet." IBH11: "Probably the women's one, so that he can 'meet people'." (23/02/93) DAC11: "Why do these people can't speak English?" (23/02/93) Said in Sidney MacSussex Computer Room: JMB29: "Do you think they'll mind an apple appearing in the bin?" (22/02/93) TGR10: "I've tossed in a saucepan." (21/02/93) CRB11: "I can't count to four." (16/02/93) MJW19: "All those French farmers kill sheep by setting fire to their buttocks - the sheep's, not their own, that is." CRJ10: "No they don't." MJW19: "Oh. Well, still - woooooarrgh, eh?" (12/02/93) MJW19: "`Lady' is a woman's name, there's a dog in 101 Dalmatians called it." (11/02/93) JRXR1: "I'm waiting until 11 and then I'll get him [js138] to log on." CRB11: "Why? What happens at 11?" JRXR1: "The day changes." (07/02/93) JMB29: "It took me a long time to realise that Robert Hunt and Robert Hunt were the same person." (05/02/93) (Concerning X-terminals) nf cet1 well, it now works OK; I think the problem must have been shortage of memory. +***From CET1: One of those Pericoms, is it? nf cet1 Yes, one of those ****ing Pericoms. +***From CET1: Actually Pericoms have too little memory to **** (03/02/93) CRJ10: "I've played around with a few serious organs before now..." (03/02/93) +***From CWS10: It's just not cricket - I think it's because life is imitating Groan. +***From CWS10: I long for the days when Life imitated Art or at least television. (29/01/93) In MJH22's message space: RSC1004: I dont mind you not minding that I know you think i am talking bollocks. What I do mind is being told I am talking bollocks when I do not know what I am supposed to be talking bollocks about (29/01/93) CWS10: If you can drop off the receipt off in my pigeon hole then I'll try to get the monet to you when we next meet. (CWS10 added art smuggling to his other interests on 26/01/93) +***From NSM14: Don't try to out-normal me, I get more normal things than you free with my breakfast cereal (23/01/93) ALJ11: "Perhaps I should amend 'The world is going down the tube' to 'Bob doesn't like Clive'." (21/01/93) CLR11: (looking at a computer keyboard) "Go on then, find an 'X'." (19/01/93) MJW19: "It's quite nice now that you can use words like 'crap' and 'bollocks' in GROGGS." CRJ10: "No - you can't use 'bollocks'." MJW19: "Oh - can't I?" [Starts hitting delete] (17/01/93) +***From CRB11: Interesting concept. I'll take the Peace and leave the Sandwiches thanks. (15/01/93) MRO2: "Once you've done one induction, you've done them all." MJW19: "...by induction." (14/01/93) (Re: Kama Sutra): +***From RSC1004: certainly interesting reading..... Some of the positions do not seem humanely possible. (14/01/93) CWS10 (in Groggs item H0141250): According to my passports, I have been to Belgium many times but for some reason I don't remember what I did there. (14/01/93) >From the newsgroup ucam.cl.students: GRLW1: Whilst browsing through the man pages, as you do, I found a most interesting program 'month'. However, it doesn't seem to be anywhere... tmal@cl: You must have been reading the classic F.P. Brooks reference `The mythical man-month'. :-) (08/12/92) >From the Unix host command: *** Error during listing of cmu.edu: Success (07/12/92) notify crb11 Will send out a mail, once I've established numbers. ***From CRB11: Try the Peano axioms. 8-) (07/12/92) >From INFO.SUGGEST: > Suggestion I3370033: from GJM11 at 00.33 on 2 December 1992 > [...] Incidentally, there appears to be a spurious extra "d" > at the end of INFO.MAIL.WISHLIST . > > MRAO 2 Dec 1992 8.39 > CS reply: > See INFO.MAIL.WISHLIST (where this already appears) ... (02/12/92) VHK10: "Channel 4 have this program called 'Catholics and Sex'. They interview priests and lay people." (30/11/92) JP107 : "Have you read Knuths 'The art of computer programming'?" RJD4 : "No." JP107 : "You must have read it. Everyone has read it." RJD4 : "No." TDA10 : "I haven't. JP107 : "Well actually neither have I, but..." (27/11/92) GKS1: "There ought really to be a command, oughtn't there, so that you could type ABOLISH CD118/UTTERLY and," [at this point GKS saw the submitter typing and stopped speaking] (25/11/92) +***From IJW11: Oops... 8-) Sorry, that death threat was meant for someone else... (24/11/92) TGR10: "Are you a man or a Churchillian?" CMG17: "I'm a Church... oh!" (21/11/92) +***From RC10004: I am not stroppy you shitty little southern git! (20/11/92) Cockcroft lift phone conversation: CCLP: [Rings] CRJ10: "Hello?" CCLP: "Hello, is that the Cockcroft lift?" CRJ10: "Yes." CCLP: "Is it going up or down?" CRJ10: "Up." CCLP: "Ah, good." (19/11/92) MJH22: [ about the Sidgwick Outstation ] notify dfs12 Quieter than the UA for working, & has everything except the vendepac. +***From DFS12: (Daz): It doesn't have an mjw19 does it? notify dfs12 No, but there's one available online.. (18/11/92) MJH22: "It's not a phallic object; it's a bishop." (16/11/92) [ A message from the operators... ] ***System liabel to crash in two minutes (15/11/92) +***From TGR10: Cliches are a damning endictment of the society we live in. (10/11/92) MJW19: "I do speak Welsh." CRJ10: "No you don't." MJW19: "Yes, I do - I just don't understand it." (06/11/92) JS138: "Has time started yet?" (06/11/92) PAS14: "If he thinks I'm bonking him because he's got a grogname like that..." (06/11/92) +***From GKS1: I have had my sleep patterns disrupted by Bill Clinton. +***From GKS1: And what is more, Boris Yeltsin is scanning my brain with ultrasound. (05/11/92) JP107: "The trouble is getting the rotating ink." (04/11/92) +***From JMB29: And I'll be flagellating myself daily for the next two weeks. +***From JMB29: If I get too tired, I'll get my boyfriend to do it. +***From JMB29: Oops. (28/10/92) GDR11: "We can make something with four `duck's in." ex-MAW13: "Namely?" GDR11: "Duck duck duck duck." (26/10/92) TGR10: "Is a register file a bit like a paedophile?" (19/10/92) MLB13: "I always seem to end up tied up." (17/10/92) ex-IWJ10: "Computer? What's a computer?" (15/10/92) ex-MAW13: "[Xenophon] didn't have any soldiers himself, did he?" JS138: "What did he dip in his eggs, then?" (15/10/92) ex-MAW13: "The [books] I wrote under the name of Ruth Rendell..." (15/10/92) OPER to CRJ10, in reply to a suggestion: "You must be a new user." (10/10/92) MJW19: "I bet you didn't know the Marquis de Sade did a sideline in designing milk cartons?" (08/10/92) +***From CB113: (Clint Roughly) ***Stock market crashing in 3 minutes. Please log off. (07/10/92) Tony Cains (ex-TMC11) in a Labour Students meeting: "Britain isn't an island, you know." (10/06/92) MJW19: "Technically speaking, using a loaded shotgun as a dildo is safe sex." (28/09/92) MJW19 [to CRJ10]: "Unfortunately, you don't have a gigantic black nose you can hook ropes round." (28/09/92) PAS14's mother: "Well, if we can't see them, and you can't see them with your eyes shut, then they can't be there." (11/09/92) FJMD1: "Like unicorns and Edinburgh, dragons don't exist." (11/09/92) PAS14: "Do you suppose that's the Republican convention downstairs?" (18/08/92) +***From JML11: I retract everything I've ever said. Bum. Ooh what a giveaway. (14/08/92) +***From BCK1: "yet another intergalactic crisis" eq centipede with heavy boots (12/08/92) MTB3: "If you're an atheist you won't go to church even if you're told your vicar is an atheist." (10/08/92) Not from a Phoenix user but JRP1 didn't know what else to do with this (from Dr Rogosinski of Swansea): "Ah yes, the three B's: Mozart, Beethoven and Brahms." (29/07/92) In GROGGS: > Reply from the Wombiquangle (JRP1) at 10.43 on Tue 28 Jul > > No, GJM is not God. He just looks like Him. (28/07/92) MJH22: "...and by the time you work out that everybody in the world is actually everybody else..." (27/07/92) AG120: "... a programme called 'Through the Keyhole' where they look round a celebrity's wife and you have to guess who the celebrity is." (24/07/92) APS14, in Groggs: "A hedgehog without Hodge theory is like a combine harvester without combinatorics." (03/07/92) > notify sjd21 Where are you? +***From SJD21: Somewhere on the NMS. Where I know not, but I can see a whale (24/06/92) CRJ10: "If we carry on like this then we're going to have an argument" MJW19: "No we're not we're going to have a meta-argument." The rest is left as an exercise to the reader. (20/06/92) +***From IWJ10: Hello. I'm not sure I'll be able to fit you in - there's only a limited amount of space in the pot ... (20/06/92) +***From TJRC1: Well, I'm off to get some beauty sleep, and dream of all the unpleasant things I'd like to do to [SPQR1] (17/06/92) IJW11: "Can anyone tell me where I can buy a decent sex slave nowdays, then?" (15/06/92) MAR19: "... You were only confusing a lightbulb and a prostitute's breasts." (14/06/92) GAD11: "I have no shame - I'm a mathematician!" (11/06/92) MAW13 of ex-GRM11's singing: "It's a pleasure well worth missing." (08/06/92) MJW19: "There's a special bond that grows up between a man and his urinal." (early 06/92) CRJ10: "It's not [a] completely false [quote]. To prove it I'll send it to Martin." (early 06/92) HAV10 (drinking a glass of grappa): "It seems to be diluted alcohol." (04/06/92) +***From JS138: Mine is small and I have an expensive mistress. (03/06/92) HBN (not on Phx): "I want to know which fool decided to have 14 inches in a foot?" (01/06/92) MAW13: "Where is the Central African Republic?" CRB11: "In Central Africa." (31/05/92) +***From JMB29: And how advanced _is_ American science? (29/05/92) CRJ10: "You watch out or I'll take my jeans off." (29/05/92) +***From JMB29: Just because I'm stupid doesn't mean I know how to use Unix. (29/05/92) A quote overheard in a medic/vet lecture: MEDIC: "I wouldn't like to be a hairdresser - think of all the responsibility if you cut it wrong." (27/05/92) JAL16: That was the lecture he gave to the TMS in TeX. (25/05/92) PAS14: "So a flagpole is in fact a vaginal symbol, is it?" (21/05/92) >From Brian Omotani's (BKO1's) birthday lunch comes: MZC1 (to a group of Queens' graduates): "Well you all seem to screw the same women!" (15/05/92) +***From MCF14: I don't have to use Turbo Pascal to jump in the Cam. +***From MCF14: (just C) (14/05/92) +***From CRB11: Forgive me: I from DnDland. (13/05/92) +***From YMS10: Oh those kind are beyond my comprehension. I barely understand the method they use to cut Alex Jones' hair, let alone digital watches. (13/05/92) CRB11: "One line of the hymn was 'Trust and obey', but I kept on wanting to sing 'Share and enjoy'." (10/05/92) MAR19: "With beta-testers like that, who needs enemies?" (09/05/92) RM113: "Edinburgh is in a different country from the rest of England." (06/05/92) JRP1, in a GROGGS item: "unfortunately May always seems to come at this time of year." (05/05/92) +***From HRM10: Does Pt III maths involve hideous exams ... ? (02/05/92) +***From GER11: The other way of looking at it is that Trinity was bound to go downhill as soon as I left. (26/04/92) +***From NL105: (Nir) "let's talk about disc drives, baby, let's talk about you and me" (26/04/92) GJM11: "There's puddles of Sibelius all over the floor by this point." (04/04/92) CRJ10: "You can probably tessellate two women pointing towards each other." (01/04/92) +***From JMB29: I'm doing some run-tests for Gareth's bible. +***From JMB29: [He thought the old one needed improving upon] (01/04/92) GKS1: "Is there anyone here who hasn't arrived yet?" (28/03/92) JMB29: "With friends like mine, who needs enemas?" (20/03/92) +***From REH10: All I get to do is finger Bob Dowling. Draw your own conclusions. (20/03/92) TGR10: "It's a bit of a bugger this -- it took me ages to get it up... and it won't go down now." (13/03/92) HDW11: "A marrow is just a painful courgette" (15/03/92) SL112: "Well, I was asking _all_ the men to take their clothes off." (12/03/92) MJW19: "Just because I threatened him with chainsaws, it doesn't mean I'm a dangerous loony." (10/03/92) (Overheard) "There are a lot of strange people on Wirral." TJRC1 - "Yes, my Aunt and Uncle are one of them." (09/03/92) JMB29 (in Trinity computer room): "You're not a member of Sidney, what are you doing logged on here?" (to CRB11) (08/03/92) PAS14: "I don't know that it's a christening robe; it may in fact be a tablecloth" (07/03/92) PAS14: "I wonder how William spells his 'W'?" (07/03/92) MJH22: "That's not a h-heirloom; it's a hairbrush" (07/03/92) [On telephone] OPER: Hello, machine room. CRJ10: Hello. TCP/IP connections to Phoenix aren't working at the moment. OPER: Is that the adviser? CRJ10: No. OPER: Why not? (04/03/92) CRJ10: If that's an extension of my penis, then it's bloody odd. (03/03/92) PAS14: I've just got back from today and haven't gone to tomorrow yet. (28/02/92) +***From JML11: Take them off Clive, sew the bottoms up, fill them with jellyfish and then put them back on Clive. (27/02/92) +***From KMB12: I forgot to unwrap my terminal so I lost the dinner. (27/02/92) +***From JMB29: Nir has just failed the Turing test. (27/02/92) [notify jmb29] Ha! Unprovoked agression! +***From JMB29: I prefer to call it anticipatory retaliation. (27/02/92) SVL (non phx user): ''You're so speechless you can't say anything.'' (26/02/92) In a GROGGS contribution from CWS10: For example very few people seem to realise that there is very little difference between sex and torture. (25/02/92) +***From JML11: My greatest regret is that I did not punch Tim Roddis when I had a chance to. ***From JML11: My second greatest regret was Clive's stupid pink trousers. (25/02/92) JPL14 (in Groggs item G0491031) Magdalene's academic performance has got _much_ better since it went all heterosexual (24/02/92) GJM11 (at pub meet) "I remember it's counter-intuitive one way or the other, but I can't remember which is intuitive now." (23/02/92) Barman to JMAK1 (at the pubmeet): You're a serious thinker. (23/02/92) talk dan10 Hello. How do you fancy attacking the English? +***From DAN10: I am the english (14/02/92) RJD13 in G0372041 on 02/02/92 Mysteries aren't mysterious, they actually make perfect sense. They're just things that physical beings have rather a lot of trouble coping with conceptually. CRB11 9 Feb 1992 23.21 PEOPLE WHO GO NOMESSAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF CONVERSATIONS DESERVE TO BE LOCKED UP WITH JULIAN BIRCH, THREE RANDOM MUSLIMS AND THE ENTIRE CICCU COMMITTEE FOR ALL TIME (09/02/92. By 09/03/92 CRB had succumbed to the evangelists and converted...) FJMD1 (in G0301629): Shut up and go away if you are only going to be negative. (01/02/92) MJW19: "He's giving me that despondent 'Why have you just killed me?' look." (27/01/92) PJH22: "Nothing wrong with my hands -- I've got five fingers and a thumb." (25/01/92) TGR10: 'I used to be a poseur...' (25/01/92) +***From EKC11: I am just annoyed that he turned himself into a better female than I am after 23 years of practice! (20/01/92) DGA12(at cusfs meet): "He[God]'s not omnipotent in matters of logic. For example, he couldn't make 2+2=4." (20/01/92) GJM11: "I wouldn't go to a lecture with a Fellow in the lecture room." (18/01/92) EKC11 [of DAC11]: "He can now play Tetris without having a sex change." (16/01/92) MAW13: "Julian, are you trying to tell me you can't bid because you're about to have your head cut off? That's not good enough." (13/01/92) +***From JMB29: I'm going mad. And what do they do? They quote me. (13/01/92) MAR19: "That would be a good way of drying your feet - stick them in some tea." (09/12/91) GKS1: It's in German. EVF10: So is "God save the Queen". GKS: No, "God save the Queen" is not in German. EVF: I mean the tune is in German. (09/01/92) +***From JML11: When they made Robert Hunt they threw away the mould but it grew back anyway. (04/12/91) In INFO.SUGGEST.CURRENT... MJW19: I could set up a remote process on a machine in my room to automatically wash myself every month or two so that I need never forget again. (02/12/91) +***From PWE10: I'll merrily wreck terrible vengeance ! (02/12/91) CRJ10: You're spilling real world all over the floor (29/11/91) MJW19: 'I'm deliberately not leading you up any blind trees' (29/11/91) [From CUSFS Terry Pratchett talk, 26/11/91] Terry Pratchett: 'There is no truth in the rumour that I love computers, it's just what I tell them to get them to bed.' TGR10 Whilst asking a question criticising his books, '... I haven't actually read any of your books, 'cause I couldn't stick 'em for more than one page...' [ from the Groggs pubmeet 24th/25th Nov: ] MJH22: "I _am_ some kind of meta-god" CRB11: "My god - I have spilt tea all over my mug now." JPB15: "I want to find out who voted for me as Large and Dangerous of Groggs and rip their fucking heads off." IWJ10 to SL112: "But you've fiddled with so many things in my room." MJW19: "I never used to be biased against Northerners until I met Tim Roddis." IWJ10: "I used to be biased in favour of Northerners until I met Tim Roddis." MJH22: "I used to say I _was_ a Northerner until I met Tim Roddis." MJH22: "Dork is not a four letter word." (24/11/91) +***From JML11: Right. I've had enough of this. I'm going to measure my nose and make its dimensions public. +***From JML11: got me ruler here... +***From JML11: Erm, has anyone got a 12" ruler? I've only got a 6" one. (24/11/91) [In F3231702] GM115: Can you store low fat strawberry yoghurt or an egg in your mail folderfile? (23/11/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) Technonargery: what is the maximum time a notify cn The Italian populace's general interest and support for science (22/11/91) +***From HJN11: REally? Well, my father was a calculator (22/11/91) +***From ALJ11: Alex and I are busy killing each other... (20/11/91) JRP1, in item F3220125 and referring to Charles Dickens; "The Terry Pratchett of the early Victorian era." (18/11/91) MJW19 (In Trinity Great Court): Why they can't just split this into four little courts, I don't know... (16/11/91) CRB11: "Excuse me, I want to die; I've just been bonking Tim Roddis" (16/11/91) from a game of Botticelli CRJ10: "Do you have a split personality?" SA121: "Yes. Can we get back to the game now?" (16/11/91) +***From JMAK1: I prefer leather as you get the fun with the dead cow as well (14/11/91) CRJ10: How far are you prepared to go for alcohol? PAS14: Is he [JMAK1] cute? (14/11/91) IWJ10: "This must be the most happening place in Cambridge, right now." [...of Cockcroft 4 at 3 am...] (14/11/91) PAS14: "Is this a league command? I have to tell you, as a GROGGS sub-editor, that league commands are illegal - where do I come in it?" (14/11/91) JMAK1: "I never offered to kiss _your_ feet. _She's_ a Sub-Editor." (14/11/91) JMAK1: "RJD4. He's a prat, isn't he?" [Assorted warnings from listeners.] "I'm not a CompSci, I'm safe." (14/11/91) GJM11: "I've miscounted the number of days in the week." (12/11/91) JMB29 in F3111821: The man on the Clapham Omnibus is _always_ a Nobel prize-winning biologist (12/11/91) +***From GPW11: (sorry for long pause - we were having an ice-cube fight) (08/11/91) GJM11 "... or else it's trivially true, or trivially false, or both." (07/11/91) TJL13: "There's two classes of people in this world: category theorists and Gareth." (06/11/91) +***From JMAK1: NO I WAS CHIVALROUS AND HAVE NOT SEEN HER SINCE (06/11/91) MSA11: "My navel elongates whenever I hear your name."(05/11/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) Oi! You tekkin the piss, ferret-features! Ah'll fukkin brek yer face (cont'd GROAN WITH RODDIS). (05/11/91) CRJ10: "Shit - it's half past midnight. How did that happen?" MJH22: "Quickly. I mean - it was only half past eleven ten minutes ago." (04/11/91) PAS14: "I think I must have some duck-receptor in my brain somewhere..." (04/11/91) +***From RIT10: Words are ephemeral; there's no point in putting them in files. (02/11/91) +***From JMB29: Life and PHX have one thing in common - one little thing goes wrong, and you can't scrollback (01/11/91) In the LeHelp failed help log: MJH22 30 Oct 1991 1.18 ...asked for help on crotch-less panties CRJ10: Yes, I'm sweet, innocent, naive, and ignorant of the ways of the world. Now suck me dry, you sex fiend. (30/10/91) CY100: At the moment I am logged on in a somewhat perverted way. (30/10/91) JDJ11 (in a GROGitem): Uh-Oh! Clive, that's not your navel, it's your ethernet port..... (29/10/91) +***From CRB11: Your mouth appears to have fallen off. (29/10/91) JAL16: Of course, the thing to do if you want hot custard is to have a yoghurt (28/10/91) MJH22: "I didn't know I could get my finger right inside a mouse." (27/10/91) MJW19: Oh damn, I need to go to Newnham - I only know the way in the dark. (27/10/91) ARJB1, in tones of the most utter astonishment: "But you **KNOW** where the sex shops in Cambridge are. There's..." [followed by what is presumed to have been a correct description of where the sex shops in Cambridge are]. (26/10/91) ex-GRM11, speaking to ex-JPM19: "Hang on; I'll just pass you through the bannisters." (26/10/91) +***From HJN11: I'm not personally acquainted with any cowpats. (26/10/91) EPB10: "When you go into the Chapel you take your feet off." (24/10/91) RHSK1: "It's just like you'd imagine acceleration to be --- you go forwards at increasing velocity." (23/10/91) CRB11: "My sincere apologies, I seem to have spilt tea all over the centre of Winchester." (23/10/91) +***From KF106: I'm an obnoxiously noisy red orange and yellow jumper... (22/10/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) Me, I have notify conversations with God. (20/10/91) TM110: "Clive, stop playing with my phallic object." (19/10/91) >From INFO.SUGGEST.CURRENT CS reply from MRAO 18 Oct 1991: All things are possible (but see INFO.THINGS.CURRENT.STATUS ;-) ). HDW11: "I don't attack people with knives; it's not safe." (17/10/91) +***From CB113: I think I'll vote conservative (16/10/91) RJD4: A cup of coffee in one hand, a woman in the other. What more could one want? non-user (xJRC14's better half): Chocolate cake. (14/10/91) MJW19: It's a quarter past seven, or, to put it another way, it's half past two - only the other way is wrong. (14/10/91) MJW19: [of Roger Wilson] "He couldn't link Clive's face to his name because he doesn't conform to the Acorn procedure call standard." (13/10/91) IWJ10: What are your initials ? PJH22: PJH22. (At the CUCS stand at Societies Fair, 13/10/91) CRJ10 : Just be stylish, just be chic, wear a condom on your beak. (11/10/91) MJH22 : (Of Mike) Ah, he's a cushion fetishist as well. MJW19 : Oh yes, I love my cushion. MJH22 : How does it feel about you? MJW19 : I don't know, it hasn't told me, it's a cushion, you prat! (11/10/91) +***From JML11: I've got music. I've got rhythm. I've got inflatable trousers, who could ask for anything more? (08/10/91) +***From JML11: I have also used a Jumbo Corkie (TM) to good effect. (08/10/91) +***From MJW19: (The Cambridge University Very Long Talknames Just for the Hell of it Society): +***From MJH22: (The Society for the Legalisation of Marzipan) oops - e/Penguin/University/ (08/10/91) CRJ10: "Ah, so _that's_ what you do in toilets." (08/10/91) (Immediately before a massive PAD/CUDN crash in the Christ's College area) +***From PAS14: I've just finished my first GROGGS edit. (07/10/91) CRJ10: "I change my password more often than I change my tee-shirts." (03/10/91) MJW19: "Oh dear, that was Bob Dowling walking past - I'd forgotten about him." (Said one day after arriving back in Cambridge---02/10/91) PAS14: "I'll log on at lunchtime." ST111: "Is that a.m. or p.m.?" (22/09/91) +***From MJH22: (Martin) wouldn't worry me at all. If you can send email from beyond the grave, then death has lost one of its terrors (22/09/91) ex-JDM17: "We're not crazy; we're technical support." +***From AG129: Nobody has yet mentioned that classic work on spanking, the Beta of Uranus. +***From AG129: You could have The Eta of Babies as well but it makes less sense. (19/09/91) CRJ10: Is ignorance a defence? PAS14: How should I know? (18/09/91) CRB11: "I may have misread the question, but at least I got the wrong answer right." VHK10: "I know my rapes." SA121: "Help! My eyes have run out of memory." (20/08/91) French Security Guard to JRP1, on examining his UL card, offered as a means of identification: "Est-ce que Fitzwilliam est votre prenom?" (13/08/91) TC108: "Oooh! What's this warm thing in bed with me?" "Can I have your families please?" (09/08/91) RJD4: "This nurse friend of yours, is she a physiotherapist?" GRM11: "No, and she's sick of people asking." (04/08/91) GRM11: "Just because you dedicate yourself to God doesn't mean you can't have fun." RJD4: "Try telling that to a celibate nun." GRM11: "Oh, I did..." (04/08/91) SA121: "Dawn is the time between logging off and going to bed." (02/08/91) +***From PJH22: (Philippa): how does it go? I know you think you understand what you thought I said but do you undersatand what I think I meant (30/07/91) TFO10: I am and never have been a member of a so called terrorist organisation, ie IRA,INLA,IPLO [F2050854] (25/07/91) +***From NBVS1: (Nicko) What's three orders of magnitude between friends? (19/07/91) GRM11: "I knew that marriage was illegal, but I didn't know about incest." (19/07/91) Father to PAS14 (female, at St John's): "Has St John's admitted women yet?" (06/07/91) +***From GRM11: Bananas are not only incredibly phallic, they taste nice. (01/07/91) CRJ10 in a GROGGS item: "I'm having oral sex with a hippopotamus - isn't that obvious?" (30/06/91) SR124: What's the difference between a dildo and a vibrator? CRJ10: Simple - one vibrates. SR124: Ah. I always use the two interchangeably. (28/06/91) [In item F1781007] RJD4 : Well, it's not my birthday, but somone seems to have sent me an inflatable woman through the post. (27/06/91) RJD4: "You role-play, I'll drink." (27/06/91) +***From PAS14: I was coming to Churchill with a waterpistol last night, but I got sidetracked into a discussion on Calvinism and free will... (21/06/91) +***From TGR10: Kiwi-fruit pizza, and stop giving Clive an excuse to rest his head on my shoulder (20/06/91) +***From GJM11: I think I would. You don't normally die of theorems. (20/06/91) +***From MHB11: soeey, typing ewrotrsa due to alcxohol (16/06/91) +***From CRJ10: Eeeb - clunk. My brain just fell out. SA121: How very inconvenient. How much damage has been done to the terminal???? (15/06/91) [Crossly, in the middle of a dance floor, during a Foxtrot] SKB13: "I wish everybody would stand still!" (15/06/91) MJW19: "I always use industrial-strength double-sided sticky tape - the stuff they use to stick American presidents together." (15/06/91) [Talking about BL10] ARJB1: "He wrote Phoenix!" GJM11: "I daresay God has forgiven him." (12/06/91) SA121: "I'm sure it's called Desmond for a perfectly good reason. Ah!... [pause] Why the Hell is it called Desmond?" (11/06/91) RHSK1: "It's time to stop. One more game?" (11/06/91) JDM17: [of CRJ10 before an exam] "He's networking." CCA10: "Really? He looks stand-alone to me." (07/06/91) SCCP1: "I used to have some intellectual rigour, but I swapped it for a lollipop." (07/06/91) DRJ11: I remember the good old days ... when people used to log on in the Soil Mechanics Centrifuge... (07/06/91) +***From TC108: half a pizza is better than sexual favours (04/06/91) KME10: MS-DOS devices don't have a closing colon. TGR10: How do they sh*t? (31/05/91) IWJ10: "Your brackets aren't matched! When I said it my brackets were matched! You lost one of my brackets." (29/05/91) JS138: Light doesn't seem to affect me. (29/05/91) [On hearing 'The Four Seasons'] JPM19: "You do know what this is?" (29/05/91) RJS23: "Sort of... I know the tune, but I don't know the words." GRM11: "Short of a baboon, you can't touch your elbow." (28/05/91) [On the subject of Tetris] MAR19: I'm not addicted, I just needed it. (28/05/91) +***From MJW19: I'm not in the mood for petty name calling, thank you very much, Mr. Addict. (27/05/91) IWJ10: "This is three days running it's been Friday." (25/05/91) +***From RGW12: I couldn't have a fulfilling relationship with a pop-up toaster (23/05/91) MJW19 : "... a high speed processor, which is really fast." (20/05/91) CRB11: "I am not Colin." (20/05/91) GRM11: "I am prepared at this time to admit that I am Colin." CRB11: "I am in fact Colin, but you don't know that yet." WVND1: "I can't now go into the final panic stage in a controlled manner." (20/05/91) [referring to SS132] IBH11: I managed to break a bed with her once. (20/05/91) SJD21: "Bugger! I knew I should have brought a change of trousers." (18/05/91) GRM11: "At no point did I assert that any member of the CS is not totally brain-dead." (16/05/91) [With reference to CRJ10] +***From KME10: (Karl): I vote for killing him (or (16/05/91) alternatively, his session). GRM11: He always becomes invisible while drinking cups of tea. (15/05/91) MAR19: "When is an '@' sign not an '@' sign? When it's an intra-uterine device." (14/05/91) SA121: "This isn't the sort of ice-cream you eat -- it's the sort of ice-cream you have a relationship with." (11/05/91) RJS23: "When he appeared he was invisible." (09/05/91) +***From JML11: I don't miss it. Sex is fer poofs. (02/05/91) [in GROGGitem F1191651] (02/05/91) APC13: You are assessed constantly during your fall and unless you know the correct procedure, you will not be allowed to progress any further. [Talking about Compsci lecturers] (01/05/91) JS138: Who is worse. xxx or yyy? RSD11: They're two of a pair. I suppose xxx is prettier. BL12: "Sex is usual, thought in many cases a little silly." (29/04/91) MAR19 (to himself): "It's alarmingly like being drunk." Himself: "What's wrong with being drunk?" First MAR19 again: "Just ask a computer." (26/04/91) GRM11: "I haven't got a bad sense of balance - I knew I was going to fall over." (26/04/91) AMP12: "CCS Agents will be shown by circle-shaped boxes." (25/04/91) HDW11(male) to CRJ10(): Ah. This seems to work. I want to have your children. (21/04/91) CRB11: "It would probably have been quicker just to generate the primes by some fast algorithm." (15/04/91) [Tom Korner and JRP upon getting lost on a stairwell] JRP1: Well, I'm still confused... TWK: Yes, but you're now confused on a higher level. (28/03/91) PER10: "Shall we have sex or violence now?" (19/03/91) RJS23: "Ah. That explains why the height of the Cavendish has been bobbing up and down recently." (19/03/91) RHSK1: If this turns into a rampant sex scene, I think the LISP will just have to win out. (19/03/91) +***From GRM11: I object to anything which cuts down on the number of women who want to have sex. (18/03/91) GJM11: "Emma, I am not your wife." (15/03/91) +***From JRP1: Why are all the people I know totally insane? (13/03/91) +***From SKB13: Oh dear, I've just thrown my room key down the lift shaft! (12/03/91) RJS23: "You can invite people along to lots of things, but if you ask them to bed, they often refuse." (12/03/91) AG129: "I'd forgotten how small and weedy undergraduates are." (12/03/91) +***From SL112: Well, religion isn't all bad (but then not all god either) (10/03/91) HAV10 (Female): "If I were a girl..." (10/03/91) [Overheard via a telephone call to the machine room] OPER: "I'm not paranoid --- just very conscientious." (09/03/91) [Now a CUSU sabbatical] (08/03/91) +***From MFSY1: (Matt): I was becoming a hack, but I think it's going to be alright now RSD11: ARM code programmers should have a union. SS120: But they can't! RSD11: Why?? SS120: Because that's something in C, isn't it! (05/03/91) RSD11 5 Mar 1991 17.28 (05/03/91) Thankfully, I'm not a CompSci - I'm just following the course. NMD10: I think it's fashionable to look like Dougal. (01/03/91) [In GROGG F0591349] (01/03/91) [F0591349] SA121: I tend to move at fairly normal angles, but I turn a lot of corners, and when I stop moving I usually wind up at an unconventional inclination. AG129 27 Feb 1991 19.04 (27/02/91) Oh groan. Total control of Phoenix and I'm bored already. GRM11: "Ah, JRP1's on the top, with CRJ10 underneath." (28/02/91) +***From MHB11: When you say 'born here' is that Britain, England, Cambridge, St John's, terminal X00000801190005, or what? (27/02/91) RIT10: "I knew he was here before me, because I was here before him." (26/02/91) RJS23: "I hate it when I go to the toilet and log on by accident." (26/02/91) [Clive and John at a Pub Meet] JDM17: "Coffee tastes quite good after having been through a water buffalo." (26/02/91) CRJ10: "He [RJS23] might be asking him [RJD4] to fondle his buttocks." (26/02/91) +***From PGN10: Sorry, some of the control characters in your bed seem to have got mangled. (24/02/91) +***From PAS14: what do hangovers sound like? (23/02/91) +***From TC108: it was just a quickie!! I was adding a man to my list (22/02/91) SS120: Maybe that long one could get in between Clive's legs. (21/02/91) [SECURIC to CRB11 whilst in the toilets] "Strange guy in there: the one with the latex tights." (19/02/91) JS138: When I wake up, I'll be logged on. (19/02/91) +***From TC108: Clive will smear you in vaseline, whip you seven times, then wonga wonga... (16/02/91) +***From CRJ10: Maximum Joy at high volume - yeah! (16/02/91) [after not receiving any Valentine cards] RHSK1: "I don't need anybody else to acknowledge my worth --- I'm arrogant enough to think it's self-evident." (15/02/91) +***From RSD11: So that spong is not merely a totally pointless function - it is actually so pointless that we don't even know whether it is pointless or not (14/02/91) +***From JML11: My nipples implode with disgust. (14/02/91) SKB13: What do you know about the marital status of my parents when they were married? (14/02/91) +***From NMD10: At least my hairstyle is Riemann-integrable (13/02/91) IML1: If you discover a device which is plastic, green, can be held in one hand, and looks like an instrument of torture it is probably a chip extractor. (12/02/91) SA121: "The old monitors were monochrome, they [the new ones] are black and white." (10/02/91) +***From PAS14: I can offer you afterwards rich dark chocolate cake, and cream, and more cream, and hot chocolate, and cream, and marshmallows, and meringue, and cream. And cream. +***From PAS14: Oh. And mulled wine. (08/02/91) GRM11: "You could probably go up to 40, and maybe even 80, without breaking the 200 mark." (05/02/91) JDAW1: "I always treat particles as arbitrarily small, large- scale objects." (31/01/91) +***From PAS14: thanks. it must be nice to be a Mac. Always winning these daft games 8-( (30/01/91) +***From RSD11: Oh, I always thought that night-dresses made the best bandages. Amazing what that particular source for bandages sometimes leads to ... (28/01/91) [in GROGGS] AJG19: sorry for the typeos - i've got a cold! (26/01/91) AWPG1: It's stupid having all your lectures at the same time of day, because then if you're never awake at that time of day, you miss all of them. (23/01/91) CRB11 : "I'm a total weirdo, but I like to regard myself as being on the sane fringe of GROGGS" (22/01/91) +***From CRJ10: (Clive): I sympathise. I hate going to lectures in a skirt, too. (20/01/91) JRP1: Divisibility by 17 is easy. Multiply last digit by 5, subtract from the rest of the number. JRP1: e.g. 323 --> 32 - (3 times 5) = 17 +***From IF10: Yes, I believe so. ah JRP1: Sorry, that notify was intended for GER11. +***From IF10: I thought it might have been some sort of groan +***From IF10: Except that it appeared to be true. (19/01/91) EDWH1: Most of the classical music I like was recorded before 1800. (17/01/91) DR105: Smallpox is natural, but then so is sex. I guess art comes somewhere between. (17/01/91) [on a diet] (17/01/91) AH124 I haven't eaten anything between meals except for chocolate. mf113: I whinge incessantly but I never burble. (17/01/91) +***From JML11: Sorry, that "Oh." was going to have something after it but I pressed return too earl (15/01/91) CRJ10: An American senator even directly raised the subject of MacPlaymate in a debate. PAS14: Was that to do with the "look and feel" legislation? (13/01/91) non-phx user in email: I'm going to stop now since I'm not sure I got yuor adrres right and don't want to waset this beutiful spilling (03/01/91) +***From GER11: Better to err with Partington than hit the mark with Sankaran. (14/12/90) CRJ10: "Weirdo to you too, with a padded bum." (13/12/90) (Troubled by the hassle of going down each term) GRM11: "I wish I could stay in the one place all the time, and just be in different locations." (13/12/90) SECURIC: (In the machine room when Phx was down) There's nothing we can do about it - even Chris Thompson has gone home. (08/12/90) PMA11: "If A is true, then B implies C anyway. But if B, then that reduces the chances of D. Now what are A,B,C and D again?" (30/11/90) TC108: "Flakes aren't phallic - they get smaller when you suck them. Clive, if you write that down I'll spank you." (30/11/90) GDR11 : ... Zen claims to be like a banana in this respect. (Possibly in other respects, too) (26/11/90) RPJ11: "Good god, how to find out the powers of 2. I think there's something seriously wrong with my primes function." (21/11/90) RJD4: What sort of inhuman bastard was this?? JDM17: Richard Stibbs. (21/11/90) exSJM16: "I'll have to do a quick head count and decide whether I'm a man or a woman." (20/11/90) RIT10: "Richard Brooksby is the sort of person who wears clothes all of one collar" (19/11/90) ***From GS104: It's all right, it was a consenting adult cucumber and it wasn't a patient. (19/10/90) (describing Wokingham) +***From CBW10: It's beautiful and fluffy and whit and softy and all sort of with wispy bits (17/11/90) GRM11: Don't tell me to shut up on my birthday. CRB11: It's not your birthday. GRM11: Shut up! (16/11/90) GRM11: Unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I would like to thank all you people who have made my birthday so special. And can I have my door back, please? (15/11/90) +***From NMD10: You eigenmathmo! (15/11/90) College librarian: "All those students ever do here is play loud music and spend money at Sainsburys." (14/11/90) IWJ10: Damn - I need a screen dump! Can I have my pencil back, please? (12/11/90) MH125: "You mean your nose is agile behind your back?" (11/11/90) [His excuse for being late to a meeting] CRB11: "I decided to abandon my work crisis and go to a party instead." (08/11/90) +***From RJL15: You would blackmail your 1 eyed, partially deaf old grandma for a cheap black and white telly (07/11/90) RJS23: "The idea is to pick it up in your mouth, with only your feet." (07/11/90) +***From EVF10: `Half of 2 Subtract One and 4 = 0' ... except it doesn't (06/11/90) ST111: "I'm a compsci! _I_ don't need sleep!" (05/11/90) GJC11: Generally I shall make things UACC READ, only I will do so specifically. (03/11/90) PAS14: "_Two_ dead men in my bedroom would be a bit hard to explain to the bedder in the morning." (03/11/90) GRM11: "You know where you are with Y-fronts." (03/11/90) GRM11: "I have real trouble getting my leg over." (02/11/90) RJD4: "What's the mortality rate on this planet [Earth] ?? One in three?" (02/11/90) CRB11: "You know, the worst thing about deja vu is that you can never remember what happens next..." (02/11/90) 3rd year mathematician: "Is 2 even?? But I thought it was prime!" (01/11/90) IWJ10 : "Clive has told me the CS won't see it my way at all. That just goes to show how weird the CS is." (01/11/90) LR106(male): "Much as I like wearing women's underwear ..." (31/10/90) SA121: "Tracey, can you take these pubic hairs off me before I drop them?" (31/10/90) AH124: "Facetious?? You mean like faeces?" (30/10/90) SKB13: "I don't see how anyone can fail to find bananas phallic." GRM11: "Talking of phalluses..." (29/10/90) > Reply: JDM16 28 Oct 1990 22.14 > > I've now checked, and I believe that Daylight is actually > freeware. GDR11: "I notice you have free Entacards. Or at least, that you don't have to pay." (27/10/90) RIT10: "I'm a sort of cross between a bass and a tenor: I can get as high as a bass, and as low as a tenor." (26/10/90) TC108: "I don't walk with my feet" (25/10/90) RJD4: "Do you give lessons in tying women up?" (25/10/90) CRJ10: I tend to get by and large, less strange as I fall asleep. (24/10/90) TC108's boyfriend: "I thought I was drunk and then I realised - the floor was moving!" (23/10/90) [on the subject of arachnophobia] AH124: "There must be lots of that about now, you know, people who don't like Iraquis." (23/10/90) GJM11: "Yes, but neither of us is winning as such at the moment, except perhaps you." (23/10/90) TC108: "At least mine [cleavage] is bigger than your's. It just goes in all sorts of funny directions." (21/10/90) RIT10: "Well, you wouldn't say 'odd numbers' if you were talking about odd numbers, would you?" (21/10/90) RJS23: "My leg works unless I try and use it." (21/10/90) CRJ10 : "We don't want any murders on our conscience this early in the term" (20/10/90) [To PER10, after an appendectomy] (20/10/90) GS104: "What a pity you couldn't have been awake for your operation." [after Trinity Matriculation dinner] GRM11: "My estimation of Tim [TJL13] has just gone up. I didn't know he was the sort to take advantage of drunk female freshers." (20/10/90) [upon eating a biscuit] MAW13: "w.l.o.g. I ate this biscuit five minutes ago." (20/10/90) HDW11: "I can see that as a newcomer to the game, I may be regarded as a newcomer." (19/10/90) NMD10: "Did I tell you about the time I nearly killed someone with a fruit pastel?" (19/10/90) +***From KJL11: I'd love to be able to have baby pandas, but not humans! (18/10/90) [to CRJ10] (18/10/90) +***From JRP1: Go away, you're supposed to be at death's door. +***From JRP1: Or did you just log on to make your will? CNR12: "This is actually a NICAM receiver without the facility for receiving NICAM" (17/10/90) GRM11: "Clive's the sort of person who would logon between being embalmed and being buried." (16/10/90) CRJ10 (in Addenbrookes): "I'm not down, I'm rebooting. I'm doing a system restart." (14/10/90) CRJ10: "The stretcher had some very interesting straps on it." (14/10/90) RJD4: "Are you authorised by an editor to access the groggs files directly with your own software?" RM113: "Well, I spoke to JAS11 in a train once." (11/10/90) +**From GS104: How was America, Where Good People Go When They Die ? JH120: I'm IN America. +**From GS104: Impressive. Excuse me, I have human lives to save... (11/10/90) AH124: "Come and see my cracks..." (11/10/90) EGC10: "I seem to know everyone by userid, not by ... not by... um... name." (10/10/90) PS10: "I don't lose my temper with Richard [Stibbs]. I just beat him up." (10/10/90) Non-phx: "What's a 'Cambridge' Christian?" (08/10/90) TC108: "Oh, someone who wears a cycle helmet, even when walking." MAW13: "A needle will float on water if it's small enough and light enough." GRM11: "I know, I've done it." MAW13: "... as opposed to larger and heavier which..." GRM11: "Does that work in England, but?" (07/10/90) GRM11:"External frames are great. Once you've negotiated the hazards of the barriers and the doors you breathe a sigh of relief, and then the train starts up and you disembowel dozens of people standing behind you." (07/10/90) +**From IC113: I have a dead daddy-long legs stuck by static electricity to my monitor at the moment (07/10/90) IWJ10: "C can be obfuscated - that's part of its flexibility." (06/10/90) +***From TC108: when men stare at me, it's usually because of my ear muffs!! (06/10/90) In the course of one evening... TC108: "I hate men." TC108: "I hate women." TC108: "I like people though." (05/10/90) MAR19: "Incidentally, I realised something today - did you realise that I'm a sort of demigod?" (05/10/90) ST111: "As far as I'm concerned, 'bright' and 'early' are mutually contradictory." (05/10/90) +***From CRJ10: Yes, I'm a systems analyst. Actually I'm a gynaecologist, but this is my lunch hour. (05/10/90) +***From GRM11: I3 Whewell's Court. Come up and see me some time --- big boy. (04/10/90) PAS14 4 Oct 1990 16.22 Phoenix: JML11Ooooh. is too long for a user name. (04/10/90) TJL13: "I must sound Scottish, I'm in England." (03/10/90) CRJ10: "I've only been logged on 20 hours and 30 minutes." (02/10/90) GS104: ".... I was down Harbourside trying to learn to like Budweiser." (02/10/90) CCA10: "What's the point of having a constitution if you're not going to break it?" (02/10/90) +**From CRJ10: Don't worry about Magnus - he's trying to think, and it's causing physiological and psycho-social aberrations. +**From MAR19: Don't worry about Clive - he's trying to breathe and is just having difficulties because my hands are around his neck. +**From CRJ10: Magnus has just found out that he's much easier to strangle than I am. (02/10/90) JRXR1: "Why would I want to consult a qualified psychiatrist? I know I'm mad." (30/09/90) (referring to musicans) REH10: "Actually Sullivan was a bloody good mathematician!" (28/09/90) RJD4: "Rob Swarbrick. Notorious for breaking more things than Aldabra has set fire to." (28/09/90) SKB13: "Or 'he'. I assumed it was 'she'. Probably because it says 'Faculty of History'." (26/09/90) +***From NBVS1: (Nicko) I hate typeing with a 5 second echo.... echo.... (25/09/90) JS138: "It involves putting your hands on reasonable parts of the body, rather than all this messing about with the feet." RJD4: "I'm so used to thinking of you as one of the lads I sometimes forget you're female." PAS14: "Orgasms, candlewax - what's the difference?" (20/09/90) JS138: "I always walk at this speed, I just usually walk a damn sight faster." (20/09/90) RJD4: "I'm sure ALT.SEX.BONDAGE is of great import to (14/09/90) UNIX programmers." SJB1: "Well, I'm sure Maggie Carr would be interested." CRJ10's mum: "Look at that - you can't see it!" (09/09/90) BL10 7 Sep 1990 10.29 NB Death is an extreme sanction for someone who provides an inadequate network! (07/09/90) +***From PAS14: .... I had a thesis-nightmare last night 8-( (07/09/90) +***From RJD4: Oh Shit, eight odd pages of thesis to type in and I'm pissed. (07/09/90) MRO2: Do you think there is any possibility that the originators of Unix are also responsible for corn circles? (05/09/90) exSJM16: I hate Atari keyboards. They are incompatible with long fingernails. (05/09/90) PAS14: "I'm female, which means my arms don't work." (31/08/90) >From the pub meet (The Mill): (29/08/90) GS104: "I am the only person in the whole room who could deliberately, on purpose, kill someone and only lose my job." JDM16: "One does not charge Maggie Carr for looking at one's shorts." PRT10: "I have this great technique for removing semen stains." JDM16: "Yes, I know." After a short pause... JDM16 (in horror): "Is that PRT10?" +***From RHSK1: I must hurry away cos this is from France on my employers's phone bill! (21/08/90) >From the Pub meet (Cambridge Blue): (13/08/90) DR105: "Don't mention leprous pigs." AG109: "Anyone who's anyone has been firebombed." JS138: "Is this Saddam Hussein we're talking about?" RJD4: "No, Jonathan Partington." And at various points during the evening... AG109: "IBM are not a computer company." AG109: "IBM are a religion." AG109: "I worship IBM." JPMG1: "Being pi/2 out of phase on your arms can be quite painful." ***From AJS18: Some nerk set fire to the hills (where's Aldabra?) (10/08/90) +***From WJL11: Why isn't Clive saying anything? Is he broken? (08/08/90) WJL11: "Our cats don't come with instructions." (06/08/90) +***From GRM11: Oh no! Not the homosexual cats! (05/08/90) +***From PAS14: TERMINAL ABSOLUTELYNODEADLINEMESSAGE OPT THANKYOUVERYMUCH (02/08/90) GRM11: The river doesn't seem to be as wet as it usually is. (25/07/90) +***From RJD4: Never work with animals, children or users. (25/07/90) +***From CRJ10: OK. My hypothetical breadsticks are paralell. (26/07/90) SKB13: Medicine isn't supposed to be good for you, you know. (23/07/90) DFH1: "There is progress on two parallel, and hopefully converging, fronts." +***From JML11: I'm clearly not expressing myself very well at the moment, so I think it's time to write some more thesis. +***From GRM11: I'm not saying I've got a big one - just that it's hard to ignore. +***From JML11: Maths problem: if I notify 10 users with "I've got an absolute whopper right in my trousers", what is the probability that 6 of them will quote me? (23/07/90) +***From CRJ10: Who needs sex toys when you've got John Levine on the other end of an X25 connection! (23/07/90) +***From JML11: Trust me. I'm almost a doctor. (23/07/90) +***From GRM11: Quote me on pain of having your toe-nails removed. +***From GRM11: Right - now where did I put that pair of pliers? (23/07/90) +***From IWJ10: Phy-rand: abbreviation for Physiologically Randy. (21/07/90) JDM17: "I then brought out documentary evidence to prove that I wasn't myself." (20/07/90) ADVISER 19 Jul 1990 16.48 [PS10] (19/07/90) xfile was feeling the heat - it has now recovered - apologies GRM11: "I'll try killing myself and see if it helps." (15/07/90) JDM16: "Who is Alasdair Grant?" (12/07/90) TR104: "Who is Alasdair Grant?!?!?!?!?!" JDM16: "I only _work_ for the CS!" TR104: "Barry Landy's a rabbi?! That explains every thing!" (12/07/90) RM113: "The coffee will take a moment or two to dry." (12/07/90) PH105: ...although the L1 and 1p coins have approximately the same radius, they in fact have very different diameters. +***From JH120: You're turning into JML. Stoppit. (05/07/90) +***From JH120: Ok, you've *turned* into JML. Stoppit is a bit late. +***From JH120: Watch it, you'll start growing a natty little beard and talking in a fake Scottish accent soon. GER11: "I'm a Tory so I don't need to bother about (02/07/90) moral objections." RJD4 to RC118: "You got into Cambridge on hyena shit and you'll get out of Cambridge on hyena shit." (29/06/90) +***From BTCK1: "The wages of popularity are inhibition" - a little known saying common with old Cornish basket-weavers. (23/06/90) +***From FSA10: I'm surfing on the Nirvana of looooove... (22/06/90) JS138: "Hang on - I'm thinking of something. What am I thinking about? I know I was thinking about something. Oh." (19/06/90) +***From PAS14: Me? Drinking? Why would I be doing that... GJM11: "Bach really wrote for the sitar." (18/06/90) FJMD1: So the answer to Y probably isn't Y unless Y is also the answer. (18/06/90) PAS14: "I grew up on neat gin out of the cupboard, because I didn't dare swipe the tonic too." (17/06/90) RJD4: "Aldabra, that's NOT my leg." (17/06/90) MAW13: "I don't think it's as dark as it looks..." (16/06/90) GRM11: "So what exactly is childbirth..? And when am I going to get the chance to use it?" GRM11: "I didn't say I wanted anyone to do it with me; I wanted to do it by myself." (15/06/90) RJS23: "What's the name for a weekend when you have it in the middle of the week?" (15/06/90) +***From SEW10: i believe it it is, but i woul dndt believe mr if u were to u as im pissed (14/06/90) FJMD1: "I'm going to sleep with the Chaplain!" (14/06/90) +***From RJD4: well, without PHX there is only coffee.(14/06/90) +***From JML11: Here's a lighted mathew for you to see by... (13/06/90) GRM11: "I'd just like to say that anything I may have said to Clive is probably incorrect because I was talking at the time." (14/06/90) +***From JML11: Then, you lay the notion a swift dummy, I saunter round the back with the cardboard tube, AG109 causes a diversion by with some really aggressive assembler programming, and Whammo! Mick Jagger gets the GOP nomination for 1993! (11/06/90) FJMD1: "Can you spare me any time?" (10/06/90) JY101: "That depends on whether you want to see the whole of me." FJMD1: "Always yes, but sometimes no." (10/06/90) exCHP10: "They do have things planned; they just don't know what or when." (10/06/90) PAS14: "It must be quite fun being Bob." (10/06/90) CRJ10: "Mark's male, isn't it?" (10/06/90) +***From GS104: The number of your lunchtimes is limited only by your imagination. (09/06/90) GRM11: "You should meet this girl I know - She's very (08/06/90) heavy handed." CLR10: "Oh dear, I think I've got to go to the UL - (07/06/90) I've left a Christmas pudding there." USERV: Phoenix works in mysterious ways! (07/06/90) +***From TC108: when you wear as much as I do, (ie not much and not often) there isn't an awful lot hanging around in your posession! (06/06/90) RW112: "Well there's only China, Albania and the CS left." +***From IWJ10: I'm sure INFO.RULES says something about not being a smug bastard. (03/06/90) notify xxm10 Coffee? +***From XXM10: Amphetamines? (02/06/90) +***From AG120: I'm going to be a good little girl now and logoff like the nice system tells me to. (01/06/90) +***From CB113: Arghhh! Run !!!! CJGP!!!!!!!!!!!! (01/06/90) JS138: "We shouldn't have gone to the User Area after we logged off from that party." (31/05/90) RJS23: "It doesn't accelerate and decelerate, it just gets faster and slower." (31/05/90) Scene: Advisers' office - (30/05/90) FJMD1 (not advising): "I'm not on duty..." (Female) User: "It's all right, I'm just cruising." SJB1 (advising): "It's no good cruising in here, dear!" FJMD1 (muttering): "No, we're all Computer Scientists." RJS23: "At least one inevitable thing should happen every day." (27/05/90) SA121: "I know it's Friday today because tomorrow is Tuesday." (26/05/90) MJO12: "Life is like a tin of biscuits. I happen to be one of the chocolate hob-nobs." SCJ13: "Life is like a tin of biscuits - it doesn't last long with MJO12 around." (26/05/90) RJL15: No offence but I think compscis are all small dirty genetic defects with no purpose at all. (25/05/90) +***From NMD10: Sorry - I was talking to myself, but I misdirected it. (25/05/90) +***From CB113: Shall I ask JML11 along, or do you want to have fun? (25/05/90) MAW13: "It _is_ common usage. _I_ use it commonly." (25/05/90) +***From DJC15: 'some wally' 'bob' .... same thing really! MDS14: "Look I'm trying to fall into a drunken stupor here - stop annoying me!" (24/05/90) PAS14: "I can cycle home when I'm unconscious on the sofa." PAS14 (to RJD4): "Do you not normally have young girls screaming in your bedroom?" (21/05/90) EPB10: aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate maths! +***From JRP1: So do I, and it's my job. A bit worrying that. I can't change to Land Economy at the age of 35. (17/05/90) +***From JH120: Nothing for it, I'm gonna have to eat a bat. (17/05/90) RPTB1 : I'm not averse to wearing girls clothes (16/05/90) +***From RJS23: Haaahahaah. Go to sleep during the Day, you know it makes sense. (16/05/90) +***From JML11: Well, how about some Scotch? Alcohol is better than sex anyway... (15/05/90) +***From JML11: Damn. He's demanding a love slave for the weekend. (15/05/90) GRM11: I've been replaced by a plate of biscuits. (14/05/90) JRP1: Pity nobody's yet found a serious use for mathew.(14/05/90) PGN10: "I have a photo of you, talking to Alasdair Grant. And you're smiling!" REH10: "Are you sure it's not a photo-montage?" (14/05/90) RJS23: "The problem with being asleep while you're awake is that things don't happen like you expect them to happen." (13/05/90) SKB13: Oh excrement - I can't do algebra! That has a sphincter factor of about 9.5! (13/05/90) +***From RJS23: I've got to the point of putting my bed on it's side when I'm in the room to stop me inadvertantly falling asleep. (13/05/90) +***From MJO12: I'm so incredibly good looking that the university could never boot me. (13/05/90) +***From SKB13: I'm no layabout - I haven't done any work all day! (12/05/90) RMR12: "Look, I have already had my name in the quotes file once, I would be grateful if it didn't happen again. If I have upset you please take out your wrath in a less violent manner." RMR12: " ... in an ideal world everything would fall apart." (11/05/90) CRJ10: "I'm a man. Well - I think I am. Yes - I checked, I remember." (07/05/90) SKB13: "Good idea, although we're doing completely different courses!" NMD10: "What you mean is I'm doing some courses." (06/05/90) +***From MAR19: My weirdness is only a manifestation of my fundamental sanity anyway (03/05/90) DFH1: "It wouldn't really make any difference if the mainframe blew up tomorrow." (03/05/90) ADM18: "I've got the varsity pool match this weekend." RJD4: "Oh, who against?" (01/05/90) At dinner... (29/04/90) [VFA = Visiting Foreign Academic] VFA: ... and are computers used much in the Pure Mathematics department? RJB10: Quite a bit - for example you sometimes see people drawing Mandelbrot sets on computer screens. VFA: What? RJB10: You know - the patterns you get in complex number theory. [we discussed them for a while, and then went on to other topics] At the end of dinner: RJB10: By the way, what is your name? VFA: Mandelbrot. +***From NMD10: But numerical analysis notes are equivalent to pieces of used toilet paper. (21/04/90) +***From CRJ10: Well - If I were God then I'd be out to get me, admittedly. (21/04/90) RJD4: "Mac users smell." DRTR1: "But the average Mac user is prettier than the average Phoenix user." (19/04/90) [SJB1's reply to this was removed at his insistence because he thought it would offend Mac Users. - RJD.] RM113: "I have been authorised to release this CS quote..." (12/04/90) GAN10: "What's a Catholic wedding like?" WIH10: "There's a lot of incest." +***From JML11: Aha. Finally found the brightness control on the sun. Can turn it down a bit now,... (04/04/90) +***From JML11: I've turned into a Boydie clone. (02/04/90) AG120: "I thought you said you would bet your life it'd be dry today." MAW13: "I said I _had_ bet my life. I'm half dead already." (25/03/90) PH105: "Hair gel improves your sex life." (21/03/90) AJS18: "I was wondering what the crunchy bit in the Pizza were. They were the fork." (17/03/90) FRT10: "The best way to kick somebody is with a bow and arrow." (17/03/90) DRTR1: "It's not irreversible; it's just not reversible." (15/03/90) RC118: "It involves various people's pigeon-holes getting wodges of mammoth stuck in them." (15/03/90) +***From PAS14: I think being female and scantily clad helped. I must remember that if I ever run into hostile police again. (15/03/90) AJT16: [Falling in love] - it's _just_ like Markov Chains. (15/03/90) ***Mail arrived from MAW13 NOTE: Hello opt nocopy subject spong. (15/03/90) +***From NMD10: Indeed not - I'm as sane as a....as a....errmmm (12/03/90) +***From JPJ10: Have you ever drank milkshake through a worm? (12/03/90) JML11 : "If there weren't any women, at least there'd be mushrooms" (13/03/90) exRC113 (of his fiancee): "She looks a bit like a Mosque, actually." (11/03/90) +***From PAS14: tomorrow never comes. or at least, I'm too busy phxing to notice when it does... (11/03/90) +***From RJS23: Ohh... kinky. +***From RJS23: Err... forget I said that. In fact, I didn't. Must have been someone else logged on as me. Phoenix sent a random message. (10/03/90) +***From GH107: That's the fundamental difference between computers and women...Computers can't say no. (10/03/90) CRB11: I would offer you a cup of tea, if I knew you didn't drink the stuff. (09/03/90) +***From JH120: Charity doesn't attach herself to my hip and whisper sweet nothings into my ear (08/03/90) +***From RIT10: Clive, that reminds me. You must give me back the donkey soon. (08/03/90) RIT10: "But you're not Helena yet." (to GRM11) (08/03/90) ARP11: "Make a special recording ... in which the volume fades from nothing to full." (07/03/90) RJS23: Coffee will kill you. Or at least, if it doesn't, death will. (06/03/90) +***From CWS10: They don't call me a devious, scheming bastard for nothing you know. (05/03/90) +***From NMD10: I think I'll go down there now and blow him [DFH1] away with my uzi +***From NMD10: I could wipe out the whole of the CS if I had a re-fill first! (05/03/90) NMD10: "Joining the CS is the computing equivalent of going into the KGB." (04/03/90) FRT10: "There must be _something_ useful that I can (03/03/90) learn in bed." FRT10: "It wasn't a bath, it was a skirmish." FRT10: "AJ's all quivery, hot and sweaty." (of AJS18) PAS14: "Ah. I've got booze. It's the mixers I can't afford." (03/03/90) / JS138: "Why does Prolog remind me of black lace negligees?" (03/03/90) +***From GRM11: Oh! I can't bear it when a woman pleads! (03/03/90) GJM11: "It could be a traffic light: it could be red, green or blue." (02/03/90) GS104: "Those weren't erect nipples you fool, those were goosepimples." (28/02/90) EPB10: "Why does everyone have to have their pancake parties on the same day?" (27/02/90) GJM11: "Apples look funny." (27/02/90) GRM11: "Apples often do. It depends where you put them." Non-user: "You get a lovely warm feeling rubbing cream all over somebody else." (of GRM11 & JY101) (27/02/90) +***From JH120: YOU BASTARD. I hadn't thought about sex for at least half an hour. Ooohhhhhhhhh (26/02/90) TDH11: "Yes, three lots. Unless you count the Bowels of the Saints as innumerable" (26/02/90) +***From RJD4: "Delectation is in the tongue of the beholder." ...or something like that. (23/02/90) +***From JH120: I could really use a heavy and horrible relationship right now (20/02/90) +***From JML11: Hokay. If I'm not there, assume that I'm not there. (20/02/90) +***From CB113: Bints. You can't trust 'em. (20/02/90) +***From WJL11: Oh well, I suppose I might get into Varsity.... as the first person to get lynched in Cambridge for the last 50 years. (16/02/90) CB113: Trying to reason with KDH is like trying to stick a piece of soap on a wet fish with sellotape. (16/02/90) CRB11: I am neither as strong as Jon, nor as inclined to go up toilets. (14/02/90) CB113: I preferred him when he could only bark. (13/02/90) MAW13: You were given a certificate, signed by a photocopy of the Senior Tutor. (12/02/90) +***From FJMD1: You can now bugger me. (12/02/90) GRM11: Really, but men are so simple. (08/02/90) RJS23: (at 3:50pm) So much for a 3 o'clock supervision. If I hurry I might just miss it. SEW10: I don't like cider and I do like lager but I can't tell the difference. (07/02/90) AJG18: I can't sit down and type pages and pages of complete rubbish any more; I haven't been Grogging recently. BB12: I don't see George Russell today. Perhaps he is dead. I didn't see him yesterday for a supervision, either. So he's either dead or he will be soon. (06/02/90) JML11: I feel like shit cooled down. (05/02/90) EPB10: I am gratuitously wearing a skirt. (05/02/90) DS121: Applying knowledge is a waste of time. (05/02/90) +***From XXM10: Erm, Phoenix doesn't generally have anything whatsoever which you might expect to find on a computer. (04/02/90) +***From GPW11: Hi. For some reason noone has shot me yet. (04/02/90) +***From PGN10: Well, I was taught English by a Blind Date script-writer... (04/02/90) +***From GKS1: I'm not complaining about being thirty. It just means that all my friends have four-character userids. (03/02/90) PD106: I don't think the squiggle squiggle -> squiggle squiggle argument works. The true picture is that squiggle squiggle -> squiggle squiggle with overtones of squiggle, and that reminds me of a squiggle I saw squiggle squiggle .... CWS10: Hitler wasn't as bad as most people make him out to be. +***From JML11: I like the womens track events in the Commonwealth Games. The costumes don't leave much to the imagination. (02/02/90) +***From PAS14: It's only gratuitous "f***ing" I'm objecting to. Not gratuitous f***ing. CRJ10: The purpose of my comments is not to enhance the conversation. (31/01/90) +***From PAS14: Oh. I'll only kill you once, then... (30/01/90) PM111: I'm a cannibal. (28/01/90) NAS12: "So all we need is a lizard-man who knows Phoenix." CCA10: "I'll ask Barry Landy ..." (26/01/90) +***From MAR19: Oh wow - purple clouds... green people... Phx... +***From MAW13: Off to feed gks1 (25/01/90) +***From JPOB1: ok, but as far as you are concerned, I'm not very keen to finance your child. (25/01/90) AG120: The next meeting will be on February the 21st of February. (23/01/90) RMR12: I am both an Archimedean and a computer user, but not both (22/01/90) SKB13: Did I make it with [Joshua]? (20/01/90) XXM10: This is more fun than torturing ants with a magnifying glass! (20/01/90) XXM10: Milk on its own is lovely in milkshakes. (20/01/90) JY101: I'm totally half asleep. (20/01/90) +***From WJL11: I think this bed thing is getting out of hand (19/01/90) GRM11: I'll try sexual reproduction and see if it works. +***From CB113: I think I'll just stick to vaseline, thanks all the same. You can't go wrong with vaseline: it's cheap, and you can pretend it's for your hair. JRXR1: "I just go to the User Area every time I want to wash." AG120: Oh, come on, they aren't going to LIVE together! People don't DO that sort of thing!! AG120: "When does this genetic profiling come in?" GRM11: "Do you mind if I strip off a bit?" JRXR1: My brain is the size of a sieve! exSJM16: I didn't go into Ceri's [CHP10's] bedroom last night for nothing you know. AJS18: I'll just lie here and prepare myself for Sarah. (SJM16) RJD4: I'm really quite happy about this man. He puts his mouth where his mouth is. Non-user: give me a piece of paper and something to write on. (About Phoenix) JY101: I'm quite attached to it - it's male, isn't it; it looks male. +***From AJG18: But Phoenix doesn't deal with emotions - help file says so. Ex-RC113: I can program in C in _any_ language! CET1: At the moment, PIGEON seems to have flown away entirely... EGC10: You mean the Sun is bigger than the Earth? +***From GER11: I must admit that if I were to paint you, I'd be tempted to paint you with lightning-bolts flashing from your eyes! Non-user: Who needs context when you've got eggnog? +***From JH120: Oh bum, I've returned to human form +***From DRM8: Pre-Boydie GROGGS - a bit like the Old Testament RC118: My backside has been flashed across the nation on Channel Four. What's worse, it was recognised by someone! +***From CB113: Most of my thrills come from the Yellow Pages. +***From KDH10: On a computer????? You can't do maths on a computer! +***From KDH10: But mathematical calculations isn't maths, it's chemistry. GJM11: If you prefer, you might like to substitute Gareth McCaughan for God, to begin with. FRT10: Well, nobody told me I had been sleeping with AJ [AJS18] for over a year!! FRT10, of QS101: What a depressingly stupid boyfriend! FRT10: I'm flippin' brilliant; where do you want me? +***From FSA10: Is it really a dating agency like Alastair says? +***From FSA10: I'll have to get into Grogging one day! AJT16: If you want something quotable, just give me the time to think about it. CLC11: This must be Wales; no-one else is that unfriendly. +***From JH120: God, you're insatiable. (29/11/89) notify gjm11 Where did you disappear to? +***From GJM11: Nowhere, really. I just logged off because I didn't have anything to do. Then I logged on again because I didn't have anything to do. JS138: Two people, standing on each other's shoulders. (24/11/89) JML11: George Russell talking about sexual love is like the head Rabbi talking about taste in roast pork. +***From SKB13: And I've got about as much self-control as a stuffed donkey! +***From FJMD1: Did you hear about the troubles in Czechoslovakia today? There were over a million people demonstrating in Prague. +***From FJMD1: This is happening more and more often now, even though I'm writing in C. XXM10: Turn Mattress... That's an AD&D spell. RJD4: Hi there, I'm God. (24/11/89) HDW11: It means "yes" in the negative (22/11/89) RIT10: [of a lambda expression] It would be easier to expand if it didn't have so much spam in it. (21/11/89) ????: ...where they explode the guy in the pressure chamber ... ARH13: It was still nice to look at, though. CR24: AD&D is the FORTRAN of role-playing games; you can do anything you want but not very elegantly. GS104: I drink to forget. I drink to forget KDH10, in fact. +***From RWAB1: no, Ralph with the indestructible thingy! GRM11: "You can tell you're tired when you write your user ID on your milk carton." GS104: I couldn't find anything witty so I quoted Boydie instead. JML11, listening to a Walkman: (18/11/89) "Oh, it's the DIY. I thought the drums were a bit out of synch". CRB11: Werewolves need sex too! (17/11/89) MCBM1: Oh God, I feel a Vendeattack coming on. (16/11/89) NMD10: An hour not logged on is an hour wasted in my opinion. (16/11/89) RSD11: I have nothing to do, and I've chosen to do it on Phoenix. (15/11/89) XXM10: I can't remember what day it is, I'm a Compsci! SJB1: Jon, don't do that here, it's embarrassing. Linda and I do it in the lift. (01/11/89) +***From AG120: Waah! I want my brum brum! +***From DS121: I see myself as a kind of mentor to the universe. +***From DS121: Under this cold and callous exterior is a heart of pure woolabrawonga. GRM11: The highest hill in England is in Wales. (19/10/89) EPB10: I think I'm almost a male weasel (16/10/89) JY101: Vendepac tea is the cause of my liking coffee. JY101: Wouldn't you want to see your friends hanged? QS101: Talking about fire; I've just been on a hang-gliding course. RHSK1: ...little round squares of cardboard. JS138: Iceland doesn't actually exist, it's just there for decoration. (14/10/89) CRB11: Is that Forster _with an F_? TJL13: People in Cambridge are male. (13/10/89) GJS12: Which way is down ? +***From RHSK1: Don't shout so loud! Screens have ears.. SRET1: Yes, but cats aren't _supposed_ to have Social Decorum. That's the difference between cats and George. [GER11] (09/10/89) +***From MAW13: Unfortunately I am not half-witted. (03/10/89) GS104: You take the girl; I'll take the horse. (20/08/89) PRT10: She's [MZC1] still a lot more attractive than RJS1. (17/08/89) AJS18: I've never worked a bull before. (16/08/89) SJM16: Sit down there and I'll get you a chair. JY101: It's not actually a case of dying, it's just that I might get killed. (13/08/89) SJM16: I would say they're nice, but I'm not going to stop eating long enough. RM113: She doesn't have enough leather on for me -- as far as I can tell. (28/07/89) RJD4: My girlfriend's in Leatherhead. (23/07/89) MJT13: Mine's in Houston. CR24: Mine's in a leather bra but we're not talking about that. RMJ10: Well, unfortunately we only have beer mats -- and we don't have any of them either. RJD4: We should have advertised the fact that Robert Hunt wasn't coming. RMJ10: Comparative study of the bogs of Europe is very revealing. (15/07/89) DRTR1 in conversation: (17/07/89) "How's editing GROGGS going ?" "Don't know, haven't tried." CHP10: Is there anything anyone thinks they should teach me bearing in mind that I'm thick and clumsy? (08/07/89) RJD4: There is absolutely no excuse not to wear a condom, except that you feel a complete twat. (01/07/89) DRTR1: I don't read GROGGS now I'm an editor. (29/06/89) JR112: I've hardly done any Grogging but one thing I have noticed is that CSW10 makes a lot of prattish comments. +***From RHSK1: excuse typo, I'm PSSed as a JANEWT.(28/06/89) QS101: It's a sort of masochism - it's rather fun. RJD4: Oh, Sarah, please...just one squeeze. RJD4: Why are the aesthetic centres of my brain all connected to my stomach? RJD4: I can't operate both hands at once. (27/06/89) SJM16: I've got stereo elbows. RJD4: Apart from the bugs, it is OK. (27/06/89) JML11: No, I've just wet myself. (24/06/89) +***From RHSK1: Hoooray!!!! I'm thinking in UNIX again! +***From RHSK1: Quote me and die. (24/06/89) ANON: XXM10 is paranoid -- Everyone says so... (24/06/89) +***From JS138: ...well, there you go. Life is harsher than a 1000W donkey. (23/06/89) RHSK1: You need a well lubricated screw. (22/06/89) +***From SMP13: Debbie with a wet T-shirt. Oh wow. I think I need a cold shower. +***From SMP13: I hope Debbie doesn't read that, she thinks I'm sex mad as it is! (19/06/89) +***From RAL16: I'd prefer a man (I could just about cope with a CompSci) (19/06/89) JML11: Are you pissed again? (19/06/89) +***From ARL10: Nope, stone sober, just being a complete idiot. Quote from roomful of first year mathmos regarding JRXR1: 'Has anyone ever considered Joshicide?' (16/06/89) BTS11: "See INFO.GENITALS.WISHLIST..." (16/06/89) RM113: I cannot be bought... unless, of course, it's for sex... +***From ARJB1: Two human (yes human) beings sitting in Jesus computer room. These human beings are also fish. (15/06/89) ETRD: Although I already knew that XXM10 was likely to be human, the information "mathew" appeared to indicate otherwise. (14/06/89) Dominica (Non-user) : I'm not sure I can cope with Richard (RC113) in the middle of the night. RAL16: As long as I'm not the pregnant one. I hope it's not catching. (12/06/89) +***From DTK10: I've just TOLD YOU I've been using a LEAGUE program. Anyway, I'm not going to grogg from Wales - too much bonking to do. (12/06/89) notify drm8 Why are you hiding in DATA Prep? +***From DRM8: Can't get my nose through the door (11/06/89) +***From XXM10: Please pretend that I just stood up, walked into the user area, and hit you. (08/06/89) SCJ13: "I 'aint pissed on a coke of can!" NK105: Shave , Bath , Shower . For chest viewings please sign the list in the porters lodge. (03/05/89) +***From REH10: ....I could get annoyed. You wouldn't like me when I get annoyed. +***From REH10: If you're not careful I'll drink some lager and then beat you up. (31/05/89) AG109 to PER10: PERvert. I still can't get the lipstick off where you kissed me. (28/05/89) MJO12: I find it hard to be respectful to postgrads after being supervised by John Levine! (27/05/89) +***From AJT16: But it'll be all over in 756720 seconds... phew! (25/05/89) (From the mists of time:) +***From CET1: Dear, dear. We shall have to cancel your userid. Users are not allowed to be dead, unless special exemption has been obtained... +***From CET1: ...IN ADVANCE from the Computer Syndicate GS104: Er, how about a new project under High Temperature Physics (Inferno 21) ? +***From CET1: You will need the signature of your new Head of Department. +***From ARL10: I could be chatting up AG109 (18/05/89) +***From ARL10: No, my program's correct - the number of primes < 8190 is wrong. (16/05/89) GS104: consider me a shop dummy. (15/05/89) GJM11 (in the lift): Why has the lift stopped? .... (pause).. Ah, someone's got in. NK105: What does this mean ? ** You may have outstanding MAIL, MESSAGES or completed jobs. NK105: Answer and win yourself a vegetable of your choice. (09/05/89) +***From PER10: I don't operate on logic ... I'm a biochemist. (05/05/89) GAN10: hang on, hang on, since when has 2 + 3 been equal to 5 ? (04/05/89) SE107: Life is a peach with the stone taken out. (29/04/89) RB108: I'm practising to be an absent-minded proffessor some day, remember. (28/04/89) A conversation between SJM16 (who wants to PhD in Edinburgh) and CB113 who works there... (25/04/89) n cb113 You're not going to be able to avoid me, you know ... +***From CB113: Nonsense. I have 6 months to build a bunker +***From CDW10: Just as well. I think it is all pretty hot stuff. I'm clever, you know. (18/04/89) RJD4: 'Bob"I'm not a Tory but..."Dowling' ?!?!? You _bastard_. How could you say such a thing? I am a traditional, middle of the road, wolly-minded (sic) Owenite. And proud of it! (13/04/89) "What I've talked about today seems to be uniquely incoherent... I never know if you're as baffled as me, or if you're getting along fine." - Ken Moody, Computer Science lecturer. (06/03/89) +***From SMM12: Why don't we all just chew razor blades? AG109: JRP1 is a feature of Phoenix/MVS - you ought to know that by now. (19/02/89) In a MAIL from MZC1 to AMJ10 (RIP): Sorry for the delay in delaying with this request. +***From EPB10: I didn't know compscis had supervisions in the daytime... (16/02/89) JML11: "I decided to call my little dog 'Ganesh' 'cause it eats dead rats." JML11: 'I called one of the bats "shane" and then proceeded to pummel it.' (13/02/89) +***From TRPS1: The health service is safe with the Tories. (TRPS1 being the treasurer for COLS) (12/02/89) AG109: "Life's too short. I could be using Groggs instead." (08/02/89) +***From SJM16: +***From SMP13: Hmm. Try talking RJD4 into doing it for you. Bribe him with your legs perhaps. (04/02/89) +***From RPTB1: DrM: no i won't, i'll edit it out! hehehe: fetch the scissors egor. (01/02/89) GAN10 (holding bottle of port) It's made out of owls, apparently. (29/01/89) +***From GSL11: This is silly. I ask you serious things on PHX and hide your coffee at home. I'm an anorak. (28/01/89) +***From REH10: GROGGS? Don't talk to me about GROGGS... (27/01/89) CRB11: Tony, are you dead? ARL10: Sorry, I am. (25/01/89) PND10: I'll probably be training with the ladies for most of this term. (21/01/89) ***From GJM11: {wibble wobble} is clearer than { wibble wobble }. (20/01/89) +***From SMM12: Insanity is a wonderful gift - enjoy it. +***From GJM11: ...I ... met [SMM12] over phx before seeing him in real life. The biggest surprise was the absence of a straitjacket... +***From SMM12 (in response to being told this): Not only that, but I threw away my anorak over Christmas. +***From RJD4: Anything you can narg I can narg better.(19/12/88) SJB1: Don't tie its legs together -- its mine! GSL11: 'Friends, Romans and countrymen; lend me your anoraks' (on being seen wearing John Levine's anorak. (17/12/88) +***From CJGP: I have had carnal knowledge of half the tenants (19/01/89) REH10: "I never forbid anyone to say anything in Groggs, I just remove it when they do!" (13/12/88) CB113:"I am a small pimple on the left flank of a diseased mule." (12/12/88) AG109: ...people like me from Australia where we'd never even heard of haircuts +***From REH10: You must learn, Shane: now you're an editor, you mustn't associate with USERS! (11/12/88) RW112: Why are you going to hall now? Hall opens at 6.15 on a Wednesday. CCA10: Its Thursday today. RW112: SHIT! What happened to Wednesday? +***From RW112: Ahhh, I see. Well, I'd make a good Cambridge Supervisor, because like most supervisors, I didn't know any more than the supervisee. +***From JML11: Everything is stored in the computer! I'm lost without it. +***From JML11: there you are: one ready made quote. (25/11/88) +***From GSL11: I want to be a Christmas tree. (24/11/88) SMM12: It just depends whether you like the feel of rubber. +***From NMD10: I'm slightly foggy, with light to moderate showers in the more northerly parts. (21/11/88) +***From GJM11: I see. Well, what you say would be fair enough, only these people are not mathematicians. They are ordinary people. You know, morons. (20/11/88) +***From CHP10: If you go to Caius hall as long as I have been, you expect the chili to be cold. (15/11/88) +***From CJGP: Buer! my bloody key's one wron (15/11/88) PRC10 (sharpening kitchen knife): "I went to a special school on my own, because when I was at my old school all the other children kept dying". (14/11/88) +***From AG109: When I say "go", say "Wombat!" (in L2, not to me!) - ok? +***From AG109: Go! (13/11/88) +***From CRB11: AARGGGH Why can't I type +***From CRB11: ? (07/11/88) REH10: What GROGGS needs is _more_ (bangs table) autocracy! +***From CB113: ugh. what I'd give for a pair of furry crimplene knickers. (04/11/88) +***From CJGP: Erm. JML11 is in my pocket at this very mo. but I have no Jiffy bag. (03/11/88) PB56: "To describe JML as 'no doubt well meaning' is a bit like describing a piranha as 'no doubt vegetarian'." (31/10/88) PDT10 (Aussie): We don't have an expression for stopping drinking (28/10/88) JRP1: As usual he was about as coherent as a WB103/DHJ10 coalition. (27/10/88) +***From SMM12: It is ! It is an RC113 ! I claim my 2000 I-Spy points ! GSL11: It's sitting outside looking black and mean. (26/10/88) ARL10: Look at the size of that ! PGN10: Why, is it bigger than yours ? ARL10: MUCH bigger. (24/10/88) +***From AE15: yes, and I've got faded ribbons, dear (18/10/88) +***From CB113: I once deluded myself I wasn't perfect for a few moments. But I got over it. (18/10/88) +***From REH10: Argh! What do I do now? I think I'll just ban ALL non-editors from GROGGS (16/10/88) ***From CB113: GRoggs is so boring without CB113 (11/10/88) +***From CB113: don't talk to me about withdrawal (07/10/88) GSL11: I've broken my badge. It now reads Ganesh Sunthara, Medical Stud. (03/10/88) +***From DRTR1: Want any +***From ADVISER: advice? (05/10/88) +***From DRM8: I am a teapot (03/10/88) AG109: Maybe I'm a strange and unusual person. (29/09/88) +***From JML11: n stands for no. null = [RETURN] stands for yes. y, ye and yes are not recognised. THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD >>CRACK<< ]]splutch[[ (28/09/88) +***From AJFA1: Most impressive. I was at infant school today, and will be for another 2 weeks. (12/09/88) +***From GSL11: ...as long as I get it right. If you meet any impotent bald men, I don't want to know. +***From GSL11: If on the other hand we manage to change 60 year olds accidentally into hairy Neaderthals with turbo sex drives, we're going to be very rich. (10/09/88) +***From GSL11: I can't do a Swiss mountain horn on PHX. +***From RB108: I frequently mistake RR108 for RB108 +***From RB108: but that was when I was using a colour tv. +***From JML11: I am not a limp-wristed queen, I'll have you know PRC10: "Have you got a ten pence coin ? [spots change machine] Or a 50p will do - [sorts through coins in hand] - I can give you two 20s and a 10. [long pause] Oh." (04/08/88) CJC10: My balls feel like a pair of maraccas! (02/08/88) +***From PB56: I never know how many AG109s there are, they all use the same userid. (01/08/88) +***From SMM12: Well, being a cynical, depressed, paranoid bastard like me means that on the odd occasion when something really pleasant does occur amidst this turmoil of endless suffering, it comes as a pleasant surprise. (29/07/88) +***From GSL11: I'd love to see Securic's report if THAT happened "User persisted in copulating despite several requests" (26/07/88) +***From KJ103: I like my files to have plenty of S.. appeal. All the chicks will be queuing to play with my files. just you wait and see nah! [Ed: The above is because Keith (KJ) had two consecutive files .BLOW and .JOB] +***From GSL11: What a hero I am. Sometimes I amaze even myself. BL12: "Personally, I'm tempted by skirt." (24/07/88) SJM16: "Where's this dollar place you keep sending files you don't want?" >From a basic Phoenix lecture: RJS1: Yes you can use the output queue to play silly buggers if your filespace is inhibited. It's much faster just to come and see me. (22/07/88) +***From SMM12: ALERT ! ALERT ! ANORAK SPOTTED IN USER AREA ! +***From SMM12: ( well, not so much spotted as merely greasy ) +***From SMM12: One can't be too careful GSL11: e/careful/paranoid/ ? +***From SMM12: I regard paranoia as a useful survival trait. +***From JML11: Right. Decision = Old Spring at 8.30 on Wednesday (2 seconds later) +***From JML11: Oh all right, Fort St George then. (11/7/88) AW85: "I don't normally associate Newnham with women." (10/7/88) (eng.ibm) GSL11: Bats! PRC10: Zombie first. (7/7/88) After a misreply by WB103 to an item about the "accidental" shooting of an Iranian airliner by an American ship: RJD4: These Americans just can't fire straight, can they? +***From AG109: In a few years I could be the next Clive Sinclair AG109: I want to be a millionaire by the time I reach 22... +***From JML11: Who will rid me of this troublesome anorak? JML11: "Think of me as a member of the CS." (25/6/88) JRP1: Which member of the CS am I supposed to think of you as? +***From GSL11: Hey, if I can send a beep by doing this: (fx: terminal beeps) +***From GSL11: then maybe I can log you off by doing th tell gsl11 Ha GSL11 is not logged on (23/06/88) RB108: I had a dream, and the DIY printer was facing the other way... (17/06/88) +***From JML11: Give ME that package or DIE!!! (evil cackle) +***From DRM8: (thunderous applause, Welsh male voice choirs, the bint in my house having an orgasm) yes +***From JML11: Don't talk bollocks. I've had bollocks up to here. (points) [DRM8: I've no idea what he's going on about or where he's pointing, sadly] JML11 to DRM8: Fine. And what do you intend to do on it? +***From DRM8: Perform group sex. +***From DRM8: You know where the porno book shop is ??? ***From JML11: I know the big DIY place. +***From JML11: (what is concepy? do you need tablets for it?) (17/06/88) +***From RJD4: It's 1 mile to my home, I've got half a belly of hot VendeToxin, it's dark and I'm wearing glasses. (15/06/88) SMM12 (in a GROGGS item on dreams):It's hard to describe, but it's rather like an out-of-body experience, without the body. (14/06/88) DRTR1: "It's day 165 today - that's, er, that's Saturday, isn't it?" (13/06/88) +***From JML11: A hoose, ah hoose, mae kungdum fae ah hoose. (13/6/88) RB108: Well, you'd expect it [the clouds] to be pink, for the same reason that the sky is green. (12/06/88) CB113: I am _not_ a British Telecom van. (11/06/88) RJD4: Can you grope her again please ? (09/06/88) +***From DRM8: I'm feeling a bit disori3ntat3d today (09/06/88) +***From SMM12: It isn't enough to be young, free, and single. +***From SMM12: I want to be young, free, single, and grossly oversexed. RG103: I'm enjoying my transvestism. (08/06/88) +***From SMM12: She's really cute - not at all psychotic. +***From SMM12: I mean, she stopped going to Karate _months_ ago. +***From SMM12: Apparently she wasn't enjoying it, because nobody wanted to attack her. GSL11: Groggs isn't working for me, so I'll have to take my eye-balls out instead. (08/06/88) RJD4: You'll do it for the camera, won't you dear ? (08/06/88) DRTR1: When I came out it didn't look as if it was going to rain, and it didn't rain today, it rained tomorrow yesterday.(08/06/88) +***From CJC10: yes - it'll burn at both ends, and in the middle too. (02/06/88) +***From DRM8 There's nothing wrong with May Balls RJD4 (about AMJ10): He can't do _Maths_, that's what he can't do. STOP GROGGING !!!!! GT102: He has Bela Bolabas as head examiner - what does he have to lose by not working ?? (02/06/88) DRM8: I refuse to gloat. I will not. I am above such things.... Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Game, set & match. +***From DRM8: It's so much fun, being rude to people electronically. +***From DRM8: Like safe sex. +***From DRM8: "Always use a PHOENIX" !!! (01/06/88) RJD4: Status Quo -- better than a dodgy tape recorder any day. (30/05/88) +***From REH10: Goodnight one and all. Thingies start tomorrow ... panicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanicpanic panicpanicpanicpanic +***From REH10: I shall fail with dignity.... (29/05/88) PF101: How was it for you? RC113: Wonderful - and you darling? (28/05/88) RB108 : I want to make myself old ... NOW (28/05/88) Nouser: What has the Bible to do with God? Same Nouser : Let's not talk about fathers and sons as that implies.... fathers and sons +***From REH10: Argh! >gone< +***From REH10: Argh mumble mumble blurgh three splutter part maths dead gone (28/05/88) +***From DRM8: Caught ARD12 with his hand in the cpu ? Stopping to reroute power to JCB7's electric chair ? CS going to the pub? Who knows... (27/05/88) PS108: You know you're getting old when you start writing the <%user> memorial library. PS108: Quote that at your peril! (25/05/88) CJ10: IPLs in the middle of the morning aren't popular. [Ed: after a GROGGS-specific bug was found in RACF.] (23/05/88) RJD4: What are bidets for???? +***From PB56: Nice try, but breaky is ~3 miles away PS108: Encode it for 4800 baud & send it via */route=vendepac (23/05/88) GSL11 to CDW10: If God wanted us to go to Manchester he wouldn't have put it in the North. +***From CDW10: Come up here and say that. And while you're at it, wear a copper suit of armour in a thunderstorm on top of a hill and shout "ALL GODS ARE BASTARDS !!" [Ed. - Plagiarism, what plagiarism?] JML: The thing about the message space is, there's little little furry things in between the messages. I believe in living rubber monsters. (19/05/88) (On reading that LOGOFF seemed to have a bug in it that stopped people being logged off) AMJ10: Looks like BL10 has struck again... AMJ10: The LOGOFF command now notifies 3 lines of text to a random user... GT102: I only know two dead cats at all well. SMM12: Of course, the real advantage of having a credit of 3 is that it gives you an excuse to log off in the middle of a conversation with Graham Taylor. (19/05/88) PKC10 (forlornly): I tried to write an essay about motivation today. (18/05/88) +***From CJC10: I would love to see his face, as he tracks down the elusive spicy aroma to a fresh, steaming beanburger in your output tank! (18/05/88) [GSL11: I refuse to explain the context behind this.] GSL11: I missed the password scare, by not having a password. (18/05/88) +***From JPT11: ... if what it does is exactly what you want to be done ... +***From JPT11: ... then it does exactly what you want to do ... +***From JML11: So farewell then JML11's hair. I'm off to have me lovely locks chopped off. +***From JML11: ##:-) ----> (:-( (16/05/88) +***From HAV10: hello who am I? (13/05/88) SMM12: You can have sex with a Dragon, but not with an Apple. +***From PM113: surely a more fun thing to do with computers is coat them in raspberry jelly, pretend they are modern art and sell them for loads of cash? (10/05/88) Of "Startrek" videos +***From GT102: I like the robot though. Advanced marital aid. +***From CJC10: (Madame Cyn) Why, are you planning to do a strip act to the music as well as take photos? +***From CJC10: (Madame Cyn) I'm 6 foot of barely restrained violence. (09/05/88) +***From SMM12: This is a chain notify. Pass it on. (09/05/88) +***From GSL11: PRC10 is having intimate relations with a wheelie chair.... +***From GT102: He is going to ram you sideways up your own behind in blatant defiance of the law of feasibility. (08/05/88) +***From PM111: What is an "anorak"? IAMFI? RJD4 to PM111: General term of abuse for chronic NatScis. Derived from their standard atire. +***From PM111: I am one then! Branded for life! +***From JML11: Yo. We're on a mission from DHJ10. (06/05/88) JML11 to PRC10: I have never eaten any mmmmmmffffffs in my life. +***From PRC10: Really? You ought to try some. The raspberry and cod flavoured ones are particularly nice. ***From GSL11: One of my ties is permanently stretched. +***From PRC10: Do, do... +***From PRC10: Da, da... +***From PRC10: Dum, Dum... +***From PRC10: Boop be doop doop doo-doop. boop be dododo... +***From PRC10: I used to boogy on down like that with PAM13, you know... +***From PRC10: Nooo! Not a quote of a conversation with someone to do with his replaying of a conversation I had with someone else thinking it was him! (05/05/88) +***From PRC10: Aarrggg. I can't handle it. Replays of my conversation to someone who I thought was someone else, by the person who I thought it was. JML11 to GSL11: Geeble geeble oink pdoook *Ping!* B'dango hum. +***From GSL11: Ah, you're one of us. +***From RJD4: Parlez-vous Proto-Eldarin? GSL11 to RJD4: Geeble geeble oink pdoook *Ping!* B'dango hum. +***From RJD4: Hey! That's _High_ Proto-Eldarin! I never knew you had Elvish blood in you! (02/05/88) +***From GSL11: sorry, lost first line, I had a bouncing diplodocus on my screen +***From GSL11: this sort of thing haopens to me all the time .. GSL11: I just SUGGESTFILEd the contents of my message space. (02/05/88) +***From AMJ10: Is something wrong with your typing, or has DHJ guessed your password? (02/05/88) On being asked why he was playing solitaire on a Mac at 6.00 am instead of sleeping ... AMJ10: Why, what else could I be doing at night ? GSL11: This year's Innocence Award goes to Alun ... BL12: "I think that, as an element, H2O leaves a little to be desired." GSL11: How about a sleep-in, Roy? (30/04/88) +***From JML11: Thou art the only to??bugger!! I hate this fuxcking terminal1!! +***From JML11: RAMNT ARANT RANT RNT ARRRRGGH RANT RANT!!! +***From JML11: OH NO/!!! NOT THISE HELP NO SOORY THE FUCKING QUOTES FILE!! +***From JML11: you bASTARD!! YOU SENT IT! MORTH WHOOPS MOTHER!!! +***From JML11: ARRGH! e/fweind/fweind +***From JML11: oh ficking hull. +***From JML11: i HJAVE NO DECENT RUBOUT KEY! AMJ10: I raped Fergie. (29/04/88) CB113: Why is my part so small? (28/04/88) DRTR1: "Perhaps his trigger finger's out of practice" (28/04/88) [Ed - referring to the absence of a certain well known user of the system...] +***From AG109: But I *can* create a God! (27/04/88) Re: the strongest coffee vendemony can buy, + extra Nescafe' DRTR1 (to GSL11) On sunday night, JP107 was drinking it with some of his own Nescafe' added! +***From GSL11: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DRTR1: You should have seen the colour of it! +***From GSL11: I hate to think. I've always thought of myself as coffee-coloured but we are talking Lenny Henry here 8-) JML11: "My foot's infected" GSL11: "Why, where have you been sticking it into ?" JML11: "Oh, only the usual places - ..." (27/04/88) SECURIC: You young 'uns don't 'ave discipline like they used to...6 and a half years in the services during the war...do 'em the wurld of good..." (27/04/88) +***From GSL11: It's all right, I hit it - another bit fell off and it started working again. (27/04/88) [Message from PRC10] I'm not sure if this is a quote per se, but there is a shirt in my output tank in transit from GSL11 to JML11. I know not why. +***From GSL11: Sorry, was sorting out why my shirt is in PRC10's output tank. GSL11: Some say it with flowers, I say it with shirts. It's for AT102 + JML11. +***From RB108: As a results, my brain is running with 3 of its processors down for maintenance, and slow disks being used whilst the main disks are being dumped. +***From RB108: What day is it? What yaer is it? +***From RB108: Not the dreaded quote file. No.... I can't cope. I think I'll go to sleep or something.... if I can still remember how to sleep, that is. It's such a long time since I tried it... (recently seen on XJOBCON terminal) +*** FROM BL10 - xx +***From AE15: I think he's in love with Xjobcon GSL11 (to AMJ10): Feel like a Bosphorus kebab ? (26/04/88) (Then:) Anyone saying "No, do I look like one?" will be dissected. (arriving simultaneously:) +***From AMJ10: No, do I look like one? +***From MK107: WHAT??? She expects me to get up at the crack of dawn and she won't even be fluffy?!? (26/04/88) +***From GSL11: The trick is to forget they're female. Er, within limits, that is. (24/04/88) +***From PRT10: Well SMM12 has the musical taste of a dead chimpanzee (24/4/88) MRW8: My girlfriend got that in Austria... (24/04/88) At a recent gig: ae15 to drm8: "Dave, we'll make a roadie out of you yet!" drm8 replied: "Yeah, well I'm no good at anything else." +***From GSL11: WHOOP WHOOOP Going into E - all hands to TERMINAL NOMESSAGE stations WHOOOOP WHOOOP Seal bulkheads, close hatches BBBRRRINNGGG BBRRIINNNGGG *DIVE,DIVE,DIVE +***From DRM8: "Aesthete" & "Grogger" are mutually contradictory. (22/04/88) +***From AMJ10: Listen mate, I'm on such a low calorie diet my underpants are currently round my ankles. +***From RF101: I can think of much better reasons for having your underpants round your ankles +***From GSL11: +***From JML11: +***From DRM8: GSL11 ? I need to beat his brains in. [Submitted by JPMG1 - Ed] (20/04/88) +***From DRM8: Oh SHIT. I've just smeared Kitkat all over my groin +***From AE15: I've never had so many people stare at me! +***From AE15: so I'm gonna f**k securi-cups head in (Following random short conversation re. RJD4 and REH10) GSL11 (to JML11): ???? Why am I talking about "Bob" as opposed to "Robert" WHEN THEY BOTH HAVE THE SAME NAME ? +***From JML11: GROGGS -- handbuilt by Roberts. +***From JML11: Catz bar? Eagle? Mill? Granta? JRP1's left armpit? (17/04/88) PS108: AAARGHHHHH! MY MOUSE HAS CRASHED! +***From SMM12: Visions of a small rodent driving a Lambourghini Countach... +***From JML11: >>>ping<<< >>>ping<<< >>>ping<<< >>>........ ?????? !!!!!! +***From JGT10: Money doesn't pay. (15/04/88) (From DH107) : a couple of quotes from BIHKM@ST-AND.SAVA "You can borrow my body, I'll get another one this afternoon."... "You're always talking about things I don't know about, so I'm entitled to talk about my anatomy"..... [ BIHKM is female! -- Ed.] RJD4 (GROGGS.MAY87): "LDS11 is the Ultimate Lifeform" +***From AJL12: Yeah! Full frontal vacuum gear, rotary action, subtle lighting! +***From AJL12: And full centre-spread electron gun action! +***From AJL12: Hard-core 'Big boy science' issue 5!" +***From DRM8: It'll make a change from leering at women in pubs AJFA1: What do you think of Mrs JRP1's beard, or doesn't she have one? +***From SMM12: I can easily tell dreams from reality because in dreams I can alter the reality of the dream. +***From SMM12: You think being called a Hellfire Christian is worrying ? I have been called a Christian Scientist ! Yuk ! HAV10: "It's nice making other people writhe..." (13/04/88) +***From GSL11: she's not into pain, just physical restraint. RJD4 : If I'd known they were your feet I'd have kicked them. (12/04/88) +***From RJD4: Don't bother sobering up. I've tried it and it's not worth the effort. (11/04/88) AG109: It wasn't a continuation! It was a completely different item on the same subject. (10/04/88) +***From JML11: I am **NOT** purple. +***From CB113: He's barely into long trousers. He needs a weekend with Fiona Richmond and a bottle of multivitamins (08/04/88) ARP11: Anyway, JML11 was insulted because GSL11 called him a pseud. PAM13: But he is, isn't he ? PAM13: The Trisha's bloody project has been handed in. (21/03/88) RC113: Finished! At last! Now what the hell are we going to do to occupy our evenings?? +***From AT102: reget poor spelling. (20/03/88) RMJ10: By any reasonable (non - PS108) definition.... (15/03/88) RJD4 (discusing an item in groggs): The reply from DHJ will be: "Dear forces of satan. You are trying to mislead the groggers from the way, the light and the trut." SMM12: I had a 4 page message from Bernard RJD4: One sentence or two? AMJ10: The way to get rid of Jehovahs witnesses is the same that you use on DHJ10... _That's_ DHJ10? Oh S**t RJD4: The thing in the orifice is Julian Todd [JGT10] >From a GROGGS drinking session (10/03/88) +***From AMJ10: Ah well, up I come (SWITCH NODPG10) +***From GSL11: I'd better leave you to it in that case - Time and tide and Trish's bloody eternal project wait for no man. (07/03/88) +***From MC116: OK, so you are in a small box with this woman and you've got a light bulb. So what. I've seen you, boxes, women and lightbulbs before. (05/03/88) PRH10: "Oh, bugger things in bushes!" (05/03/88) GSL11 (to MJT13): You're a complete and utter failure. Disembowel yourself immediately. +***From MJT13: Already have...Securic is not happy about it. NATASHA in MIST (of the chainsaw): "I like the CS - 'blood 'n guts everywhere' - hehehe" (02/03/88) RSG10: You know we ought to _do_ something at Addenbrookes +***From RJD4: You ought to _do_ someONE at Addenbrookes. Select-a-victim!!!!! +***From RJD4: NOT ME !!!!! (01/03/88) PAM13: "I'm bigger than you (RC113), and nearly as big as him (ARP11) and nastier than both of you" (25/02/88) +***From CB113: I have to kill some bacteria now... (25/02/88) +***From JP107: (Jon) - Hi, this terminal is not displaying the bottom (25/02/88) JC115 : (re Sangraal) Lust is really quite easy if you know how. RC113: "They've moved Chapel Court!" (20/02/88) AMJ10 (to RB108): "I suggest you put a new command in RNS library - something like WHOWAS DPG10,JDAW1,..." +***From DH107: I mean thanks for the compliment in the implication that cs like me (ish), but I rather value the ability to carry on breathing, thinking, and having my head point the right way." +***From GSL11: Most of the second years seem to know me for some reason ... worrying (19/02/88) +***From GT102: Even I am not above the occasional mistype or carless word that mortals seem to find amusing. +***From SMM12: Actually, thinking about it, inter-species sex is somewhat unnatural. (16/02/88) To PS108 - +***From JML11: Thanks. You are a blessed person. +***From JML11: What's a JML11? (15/02/88) RJD4: "Xenophilia is _not_ one of my perversions." (14/02/88) ACN1 (priv.comm.): In Lisp it is possible to do ANYTHING!! (well nearly). +***From AMJ10: Good evening, Patricia, I won't come over, I've got a serious B.O. problem. (09/02/88) JML11: They don't arrest you for being drunk in charge of a Phoenix... (09/02/88) Re: Suggesting asking for permission to implement MUD on Phoenix: +***From RC113: I recommend you go to a hell's angels meeting wearing a ballgown,CND and Greenpeace badges, and a sash saying 'Ban Motorcycles, bring back the horse and cart' +***From RC113: It would be less painful. (09/02/88) Overheard whilst walking past JPMG1 and DH107: JPMG1: ... yes, well, that's cheating - if you're going to take pictures of a nudist camp, you don't sit outside with a telephoto... (09/02/88) (Argument over deleted RCONTRIBUTE) JML11: It was a rant! AMJ10: No it wasn't ! JML11: OK, a 2-line rant! AMJ10: No it wasn't ! JML11: OK, so it was a micro-rantilette (09/02/88) +***From JML11: The word should have been "micro-rantulette". (09/02/88) +***From CJC10:It's amazing - no-one's accused me of having a personality defect since DRM8 went to the antarctic! PS108: I don't work as fast as that, in fact I don't work at all! +***From JRP1: That's right. For my next trick I jump into the DIY printer and the Versatec. (08/02/88) RC113 (to PGC10): ... you look far too happy ! Go and see Trish immediately!!! (08/02/88) GSL11 (to SMP13): I see you're logged on at Fitz - can you leave a message for <%Fitzperson> in her pigeon-hole saying <%message>? Saves me walking up the hill. +***From SMP13: OK. Have you got a pen I can borrow ? JCRD1: (of PAM13) The thought of being fondled by Patricia is slightly mindboggling... JCRD1 (slightly later): "You can't do that, she'll kill me" (06/02/88) DH107: My God, this guy couldn't tell the IBM from his arse... ?????: Is there any difference? SPC11: Yes, you can implement a stack with your arse but not with the IBM +***From GT102: Je ne veux pas recevoir les coups avec un baton de baseball. +***From DH107: S'il ne receve que les coups de baton, il aura plus qu'n bit bloody lucky (02/02/88) +***From GT102: Fortunately a lot of the more dubious remarks on certain users (female) were not sent to RC113. (02/02/88) Harrison in one of his thoughtful moments: +***From JML11: Indeedie-do. Boo bah boo, boo boo bah, baba boo boo bah... +***From GSL11: right, that's going in the quotes file as "Harrison in one of his thoughtful moments" +***From JML11: Mein Gott. This quotes file will be the end of me! (01/02/88) One of JML11's contributions to PRC10.chatup: I bet you bang like a shithouse door in gale -- how about it? RMJ10 (to PS108): "They've already seen us doing everything..." PAM13: I'm a GROGGS widow. Non-user, on seeing INFO.EAGLE.CURRENT.STATUS: 'Is this thing serious?' +***From JML11: I am NOT fat. +***From JML11: I AM =========> NOT <========== FAT !!! +***From GT102: La ville de mes reves a elope avec un engineur. (29/01/88) HAV10: Is DHJ10 a Christian? (28/01/88) RJD4 (of CB113): "He's very intelligent, and has often helped me out with biological problems" AG109: "Censoring? When did I last censor anything?" AMJ10: "(types) Notify pam13 Good Eve...(pauses)...no, it's morning, isn't it" AMJ10: I can't find it, but my fingers are covered in dust... RC113: GROAN WITH BALLS... (25/1/88) JML11: Oh dear, I'm about to fall off my chair............. (25/1/88) MJT13: Do you want impaling? RJD4: Yes,please. (22/1/88) AE15: Do you want me to play with your ankles? (21/1/88) PB115 - "Sunday... yes there might be a Sunday. SP104: Aaaargh! It doesn't do what I want, only what I tell it to do! (20/1/88) +***From JML11: he looks rugged and northern. that's the way I like 'em, dear. +***From JML11: I'M A FAILURE, I'M A FAILURE ! (20/1/88) +***From GT102: I don't think R***** has grasped the implications of the computer age on male - female relationships. AE15: They don't call CJC10 "Hot Lips" for nothing! +***From CJC10: You don't buy beer - you rent it! (04/01/88) AE15: don't tell me - the bed covers were playing GASOMETER all night RJD4: "A friend of mine caught scabies in a Paris hotel. I was sharing a bed with him at the time." MP112: "Oh, Gosh, those are 5p pieces - I thought they were pound notes!" AJFA1: I do like that dress. AJFA1: I wish I could be a woman, because then I could wear nice dresses. SL25: "It goes in where it ought to be ....referring to sex, by the way" (10/12/87) MP112: "_Fine_ testicles, Sally." (09/12/87) +***From ARP11: CB113 is just plain boring by notify. (05/12/87) +***From JML11: Twonky twonk twonk. Twonky, twonky, twonky twonk twonk.... +***From ARP11: ...sob. Nobody talks to me. {Sigh} +***From ARP11: I am relieved to hear that I have the wit of ARP11. PAM13: Since when did you expect a female to say anything it means first time round????? (02/12/87) AMJ10: I speak fluent bullshit... (02/12/87) PRC10: (01/12/87) SJM17: "Apparently he'd been using an erection maintaining ring for ages, but he'd mislaid it." (01/12/87) AMJ10: I expect self-consistency in a computer system (of Phoenix) AMJ10: I don't know - I buy you a pint and you think you can chew my nuts. RC113: Ah yes, this is %naivesecuric (23/11/87) (Of the film 'Working Girls') SJB1: I don't want to disappoint you, but it's a feminist film. RSG10: What's that mean? (21/11/87) MP112 (to SS111): "Shall I give it to you every three months?" JJ103 to SS111: "Why did you pull it off?" AE15 (to PAM13): Crumbs, that's 5 pairs of balls you're holding! Quotes from the GROGGS party.... Non-grogger friend : (female) "Laurence, it's so BIG ..." LDS11's T-shirt: "Ollie North for President" Following prolonged orange fight: GSL11 : "Truce, Patrick ?" JPMG1 : "Yes, let's all just kill PS108 instead" Non-grogger friend : "Laurence, Ganesh: What are you doing with all these WEIRDOs ???" RJD4 (aka Bob "Show me a floor, I'll show you my lunch" Dowling): "No, I'm not going to throw up this time" GSL11 : "What, REALLY ????" RJD4 : (having just kissed LDS11) "Well I'm not doing THAT again" DJLB1 (to PRC10) "Sandtreader, I take it?" PRC10 : "No, it's Brian Eno" AMJ10 : "OK, who wants to kill PS108 ?" *ALL* : "MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEE" GSL11 (to *****): "You're even less interesting in real life than on GROGGS" RJD4: "There are an awful lot of things I do regularly that I'd rather not be held responsible for" Real life resumes... from an Algebra III lecturer : 'If you want to prove it the simplest thing is to prove it.' ## Bought any good condoms lately? +***From CB113: No. ## Bought any bad condoms lately? +***From CB113: Still no. They're too expensive. Daylight rubbery JML11: "Why don't they make the f**king hole bigger?" +***From JML11: Do they charge cockage? (13/11/87) And now back to real life... RC113: Shut the door and the light on the way out (Spoken from an AG109-style position - semi-comatose on the floor) RC113: AE15's for my sense of balance RC113: The room's now moving this way instead AMJ10: You've been drinking too much RC113: We'll see about that (lifts glass) ????: How much alchohol is there? RC113: Depends if you want to wring out my towel JF101: Stop talking politics and move off to a Rant file, you two...! RC113 (to PS108): You've actually managed to spill wine _up_ my trouserleg! JF101 (to PS108): You can't write! PS108: I'm a maths student - I'm not expected to write. JF101: What is it about me that gets quoted? RC113: Quote! JF101: (owwwww...)**n JF101: Dave says his ear's got toothmarks in it Dave (her fiance): Not nibbled this time - just sucked JF101 (Listening to 'Masochism Tango'): That's really one for Jim and Ann, isn't it? [exJRC14 and fiancee] PS108: You haven't lived until you've heard REH10 playing this. JF101: Don't you mean 'You haven't died...' >From a Flanders and Swann/Lehrer listening session (June? 87) RC113: "I'd like to hear it through my pair as well." SMP13: "The last female GROGGER I exposed myself to was JF101." AMJ10: "I didn't know there were queers in Australia!" GT102: "No, I'm a girl!" GT102: "I have to meet PAM13 if only to lose a few arms or something." GT102: "I may be an insatiable nymphomaniac, but I'm not mad!" Quotes from PS108's party (07/11/87) RB108: Bear can't get it in the hole AJL12: Stop it Bear you're turning me on RB108: Squig [AJL12] is it meant to wobble +***From JML11: I have such fun on this machine!!! Where would I be without it? (04/11/87) +***From CB113: I laughed till my tampon fell out... (04/11/87) +***From CB113: You bastard! Taken entirely out of context +***From CB113: jml11 appears to be the prat of phoenix (03/11/87) JML11: I'm off.......... DRM8: THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE JML11: Is the popularity waning? (03/11/87) +***From DRM8: Fragile Skies is beyond a joke... (02/11/87) AJL12 (of AE15): He's got this obsession with prodding peoples bodies. (01/11/87) AE15 (to NRH10): Stop playing with your balls, Nic. NRH10: They're not mine, they're Roy's. AJL12 (to AE15): Leave my body alone, Bear. First he stuck his fingers in me, then he started pulling something. SJB1 : Each time I try to kill Nic, it means I've had too much to drink. RB108: No, on the contrary; it means Nic has had too much to drink! PAM13: Is there any chance of getting it up in the next 1/4 of an hour? (01/11/87) +***From JML11: I think DRM8 is cool. (31/10/87) NH107: It was volatile until it stopped being volatile, and then it wasn't volatile any more... (30/10/87) AMJ10: The only advantage my room has over my pigeonhole is that it has a door that shuts PS108: And if I find out anything, I'll put a message in your hole. ARP11: Wouldn't it be better to say p-hole? [pause] No, it wouldn't, would it. (No-user): Have you got a less stiff one? ARP11: Just wear it. (Same no-user): Tony Duell? I know that name ! My brother was at school with him. He spent most of his time avoiding him. (Tony Duell=ARD12) AMJ10: Does that say "flippers"? ARP11: Yes, and it says "Snooker cue" underneath. PS108: Do you mind, that's private! Quotes from a "RadioActive" listening session (10/87): +***From JML11: well, I'm still the editor, so I get to spank her. JML11: "I'll hit you with my handbag!" +***From DH107: I am about to bite NMM1's head off. Owing to the fact that copyright has expired on the following quote, it is now being re-introduced for your amusement. This is _the_ quote that started all this off. A classic. This had JML11 and JRC14 rolling on the floor when first told to them in the dim and distant days when GROGGers were first meeting face to face. Our story begins in the closing months of 1986 (a bad year for me..... I died): PO100 (entering date in computer): It must be the 9th today. SJM17: No, we make it the 11th. PO100 (Enlightened): Ah, yes, it goes forwards, doesn't it? (PM107 was weak-willed enough to acquiesce in its removal when our hero requested censorship. Won't work with me.) DRM8 14 Oct 1987 17.36 How about The Female Orgasm ?? Hmmm ?? Or do you need Dutch Courage ? +***From PO100: Who needs sex ! Abasement is sooooooooo much better ! +***From DRM8: Well, I'm going to write some FORTRAN and listen to some Delius. +***From RM113: isn't it easier and less boring the other way round? +***From CB113: I wonder if it's his real name? Or is it a nom de sperm? (07/10/87) Young attractive (female) fresher: "Well, one of the second years has promised to give me one." PO100 2 Oct 1987 9.52 (To SS111) Good stuff. Hope it was sufficiently hard. RM113: "Ah, I see, when the train comes into the station those things leap up and disable the conductor." RM113: "I looked down and all I could see below my feet was the floor..." SS111 (to SJM17): "I thought one of your balls was rather large and squashy." SS111: "I was a boy scout you know - no horse was safe from me." SS111: (referring to balls) "I like the small, heavy ones." (27/07/87) CJC10: "Pah! I've been trying hard to grow a beard ever since I was 15 years old (27/07/87) DFGG: "If you call that fart I'm lattered." (24/07/87) +***From JML11: I'm an homme fatale. (23/07/87) +***From JML11: I can see why he might want to chase me - stunning good looks, incredible figure.... +***From JML11: GREETINGS, PM107. I AM AN ARTIFICALLY INTELLIGENT EDITOR. (23/07/87) SJM17: "What's a 'J' in French?" (21/07/87) PO100: "If you eat leprechauns you get instantaneously teleported." (20/7/87) DFGG: "I'm very choosy which guitars I sleep with." (19/07/87) +***From JML11: (The Boss) ...I'm not innocent on this front, I know... (15/07/87) +***From JML11: Hey, look at me, I'm hip, I'm cool, I'm the in thing, wee-hey!! (13/07/87) +***From SJM17: I can type at 120 words per minute (as long as the word is "a") +***From SJM17: Actually, there's no flies on me (I had a shower yesterday), macho as they come. +***From SJM17: (le francais est un peu oxidise). PM107: "It's surprising what a pen and piece of paper can do to people." SJM17: "Depends on where you put them!" (08/07/87) ARP11: "Could you pull it out?" JML11: "Probably - yes." (08/07/87) JML11: "If DRM8 turns up, I'll have been bought a drink by _both_ Dave AND PC103!!" (08/07/87) PM107: "GENSTAT eats credits in the same way as I eat crisps." SJM17: "What, messily?" (08/07/87) JML11: "They've been logged on together regularly." ARP11: "And you can't get more personal than that!" (08/07/87) SJM17: {about artificial penis erectors} "I'm sure you can get them on the NHS." (08/07/87) The ultimate accusation...PC103 to JML11 and PM107: "I'm _sure_ I flogged you some of my records!" (08/07/87) SJM17: "I can make my own dreamworlds - I don't need a rulebook!" (08/07/87) JML11: "I have 99% certainty of hippopotomi." (08/07/87) CB113: "Phoenix is a subprocess of my left armpit." (03/07/87) JML11: "I've longed for your warm breasts all month - I desperately want to put my hand up your bra." (15/06/87) PS108 "I can't be sarcastic twice...that would be unsporting" OSS10: "This statement is unjustified." (15/06/87) +***From JML11: and your input is determined by our bits! DH107: "Can anyone lend me a piece of pen and a paper?"(14/06/87) +***From JML11: I have problems with my pelvis. RJD4 : {to AG109} "At least we know you're human and not just an infelicity in the program of life, now" JRC14: "You can play with it, but you can't pull it off" {immediately followed by:} ALW10: "I've pulled it off!" (ALW10 is JRC14's fiancee) RJD4 : "Can I have my head back please?" RJD4 : "One pizza, with extra ground baby, please" PC103: "Exactly how far up does that slit go?" (in respect of JaneF's skirt) JF101: "He's got one ball and he keeps dropping it." JF101: "I'm not very upright myself" RJD4 : "Drinking wine gives you AIDS? Very worrying!" JF101: "I was sufficiently innocent to think they _were_ joss-sticks" {in respect of that sweet-smelling smoke found in New Hall} AMJ10: "How did I manage to spell 'W' with a 'Q'?" DAP10 - What skill's required for moving backwards? +***From CD110: I just flashed at jrp1 and it did it again! (08/06/87) JRC14: Oh yes, I'm a teapot, I just remembered. JF101: I'm still sober enough to say no. JRC14: He's proud to be gay, is prepared to admit to being an American, but very ashamed of being a Chemist. MCF10: I think the CS should go to protection lectures. PC103: Compared to ***** it's a question of height to weight ratio. SJW12: That looks distinctly seminal. (said to JF101) JMA11: Get it down! (said to JF101) JF101: That's not a hacker, it's a penguin! (said of MCF10, in DJ) DH107: Jane reminds me of a praying mantis on amphetamines. +***From DRM8: Me??? A Yuppie ??? E/Yu/hi/ !!!! (Ed. - submitted by CB113) +***From DRM8: Martian bastard (Ed. - submitted by DRM8) BTC10 [in GROGGS]: "Are AG109s real?" +***From PKC10: this terminal doesn't have a . AMJ10: "I can't see any more 5 minutes after the bar opens." TJD3: "Why are we attacking them?" PO100: "Dunno, I just got bored." (06/06/87) JF101: "Certainly - what do you want to grab hold of?" (06/06/87) Some quotes from the Maypole etc:- (03/06/87) PB115: "Sorry I'm late, I woke up in the wrong bed this morning." ex-DC35: "It's just my legs getting stuck open" JRC14: "Why don't you bury your head in camel dung?" SJW12: "It's obviously had an effect on you - do you recommend it?" ?????: "Margherita?" JRC14: "That's me!" JR107 to JF101: "How about a long slow screw up against the wall?" exSJW12: "I wouldn't say I'm randy but then I'm not goodlooking" JRC14: "It may just be me but I'm not that excited by having two females climbing over my body." JRC14: "I'm meant to be hunky and masculine." JRC14: "She's got a hang-up about virginity." ALW10: "Yes, what have you done with mine - can I have it back?" JRC14: "Put my balls down!" (01/06/87) JF101: "I know CD110 is a dirty old man, but he does buy me coffee" (02/06/87) JF101: "Did you hear that everyone; Owen claims to be normal" (02/06/87) JF101: "And guess who put it in as well?" (30/05/87) +***From CD110: I'll be wearing a yellow dress and manacles! SS111: "Max, I wish you'd stop sticking things in my orifice." [to MP112] +***From CJC10: I mean, Shirley Williams is the last person I'd like to have a lesbian relationship with. +***From JMG11: Three legged Greek ones. (28/5/87) +***From CB113: You're right! Gosh, you're dead clever!" JF101: "It's gone all floppy --- it doesn't work properly anymore" (27/05/87) >From JF101 - "Men are SO badly designed!" (27/05/87) JF101: "It's no good...I've just GOT to GROGG!" (27/05/87) With regard to DAP10 "I've got 12 inches" quote below: JF101: "It's not true --- I've checked with a tape measure" JML11: "I wish there was a command for LOOK FOR JF101 STROKE SKIRT STROKE LEGS." (27/05/87) RB108: "It would be a bit expensive to have a mainframe to operate your door" (27/05/87) CS person: "Our accounts dept works in boxes (well offices really)" (05/05/87) RC113: "Could someone please explain to those of us who haven't been around since time immoral?" (26/05/87) PM107: "You keep off my legs!" (22/05/87) MP112: "I'd hate to be a Klingon." (14/05/87) JRC14: "DAP10? Oh yes, the hairy balls man." DAP10: "I got 12 inches" +***From PRC10: Of course I'm not charging her! And it's perfectly legal! SS111: "I must say I find smells very evocative, the smell of a fresh cucumber takes me right back." (05/05/87) PM107: "...after all, Lorna's got the right number of arms." SJM17: "How do you know? She might be hiding something." FISHerman: "The cutest hi-fi I ever met was a girl at Sidney..." the FISHerman: The world is full of computer programmers who dream of finding an attractive woman who understands computers, without realising that some a thing is impossible. (06/05/87) PS108: Legs like tree trunks. DRM8: I wonder if LDS11 speaks with carriage- returns. PS108: Mahler's a bit like Brian Eno without synthesizers. DRM8: Well, I'm a computer programmer, but nobody likes me. PS108 to PC103: You've been smoking pot again. JAB1 to "The FISHerman": If you're going to pick a life of crime, I suggest you pick your accomplices better. (06/05/87) ????: Most of the world is that stupid. RJD4: Burn them!! RJD4: Give me the _arm_! (While making biting motions) (06/05/87) "The FISHerman": When in Rome, do as the English do. "The FISHerman": What do you mean, 'CDs'? (06/05/87) DRM8: It wasn't me, not when _I_ was using my password.(06/05/87) Heard on Radio 3 [from a book about Oscar Wilde]: "...a sculptor who was patently homosexual, but who was so well connected that nobody noticed." SJM17: "Biology - it's what life's all about." (28/04/87) RMJ10: "I've got to find out which lumps, which is why I'm logged on now." (28/04/87) CD110: "I'm beginning to suspect that LB103 might be a feminist" (24/04/87) JAS11: "You can pad me out if you like!" (22/04/87) SJB1: "There's Wales, and there's Merthyr Tydfil." (22/04/87) +***From CB113: I may be a plant. (12/04/87) MG102: "I suspect John and I are of opposite persuasions." (10/04/87) RJD4: "I'm an atheist - I don't believe in John Stark"(10/04/87) RJD4: "Make way...we've got an Australian!" (10/04/87) +***From CB113: All publicity is good publicity (I 'ad that Cynthia Payne in the back of the cab once) (08/04/87) PM107: "I repeat...what about the vice?" (08/04/87) MG102: "So a loaf of bread with two noggies is equivalent to a room with an open window with a pair of trousers hanging out to dry?" (07/04/87) MR101's director of studies, writing report: "You will do well to get this man to work for you." RJD4: "He was so drunk, he fell over his kettle." MJT13: "...and the worst thing is I've been made an honorary member of Johns' rugby club" JF101: "The only reason for taking the banana out of your ear is to smoke it." PM107: "I may be a Christian, but I'm not stupid" (24/03/87) +***From SJM17: I am exposing myself to him now. (19/03/87) >From CB113 to JF101 about JRC14: (11/03/87) "He has impaled himself on the spikes of your rhetoric..." +***From CB113: What PM107 feels is up to him and his aardvark. +***From CB113: I have never met PM107 in the flesh, or even in clothes. (11/03/87) Glynn Winskel, Computer Science Lecturer: "These extra lectures can be regarded as extra" (28/02/87) SGP: "The word 'inform' on your handout isn't actually spelt 'inform'; it's actually written in red, but you can't see that." 2 quotes from Lecturer Steve Pulman (26/2/87) Student: "Shouldn't these arrows be going both ways?" SGP: "They're not arrows at all; they just look like arrows" Student: "Shouldn't they look like they're going both ways then?" JRC14: "This is real music - it's got violins." (26/2/87) EL2E56 @ SHEF.PC: "I'm a pretend real person." (26/2/87) PM107: "Sorry - my trouser legs are falling down." (26/2/87) JRC14: "I'm really obscure" (26/2/87) JRC14: "You have nice pipes round here!" (26/2/87) JRC14: "I'll never say no to a bin-liner" (26/2/87) (asked in all seriousness) "Wasn't Columbus the guy who found America?" (from the wit + wisdom of Owen Sex-crazed Smith (OSS10)) PM107: "I have the quantity, if not quality, of entries though." (25/2/87) PM107: "There are some people who are clever and know it, but I think he's just thick and doesn't realise." (22/2/87) JR107: "I've got libido. I'm randy." OSS10: "Seriously, the national average is twelve inches" 'Charlotte and her .44 magnum':"And I suppose you're above average, like most big pricks" JRC14: "Hand in hand ... or rather flobbly organ in flobbly organ." (18/2/87) "You can be killed, maimed, burned alive or have your face torn off by a thing with lots of tentacles, but [on Diskworld] nothing really BAD ever happens to you." (Terry Pratchett to CUSFS 20/2/87) OSS10: "Did you ever see the replies I got to my SUGGESTion that Phoenix is a pile of garbage?" CPC10: "I must get stuck into JANET some time" (CPC10 being male) (20/02/87) DAP10: "My CST project is drawing hairy things" (18/02/87) LB103: "I wasn't thinking about when I was taking it out, but when I was putting it in." (18/02/87) RH29: "God is real - unless declared as integer." (17/02/87) PM107: "Why weren't you at the tea-party?" JML11: "You mean today's TUESDAY??? Oh s++t!" (17/02/87) PM107: "NO jokes about being limp-wristed!!!" SJM17: "Why bring PT16 into it?" (17/02/87) NPS10: "There's nothing wrong with going about murdering people at random." (17/2/87) DL28: "I just haven't got round to bringing my horse and sheep into town - there's a motorway in the way!" (17/02/87) SJM17: (in reference to PT16) "Something slime-drenched and horrible..." (17/02/87) JAS11: (2 minutes after everyone else had stopped laughing) "I've just got it..." (17/02/87) JRC14: "Cruel...very cruel." LB103: "I thought that was the point of GROGGS" (17/02/87) SJM17: "I object to these manacles, Paul." (17/02/87) DL28: "That just slipped out." (17/02/87) PM107: "Quotes; they're boring in context." (17/02/87) LB103: "You have no evidence for whatever you're thinking." (17/02/87) PM107: "It's a shame RJD4 isn't here - I'd be interested to see how someone can get drunk at a tea-party." (17/02/87) JRC14: "The wall was sprayed with a thin layer of his stomach contents." (17/02/87) PM107: "He couldn't fight his way out of a Vendepac cup." (17/02/87) PM107: "Is MDR3 at this party? Paging MDR3! JAS11 requests the pleasure of your company on the bed!" (17/02/87) LB103: "Don't spill tea down the front of your Grog." (17/02/87) (drinking coffee at a terminal):"Thank goodness the Securicor guard isn't here - Cheers!" (Securicor guard walks in!) - attributed to AE15 by ANON1 (09/02/87) SS111: "how come I always get rectums?" JML11: "We're not all here yet." (05/02/87) SS111: "I was just thinking of Biggus Dickus" (05/02/87) {N.B. SS111 is female} JML11: "It was an unhappy amplifier - it metaphorically slashed its wrists" (04/02/87) SJM17: "When I kicked the IBM it rattled, so now I kick the PDP. It's safer" (04/02/87) SJM17: "He just sits in the computer room and farts a lot." (04/02/87) JRC14: "Masturbation snuck by him." (04/02/87) RMJ10: "My father's Welsh." SJM17: "Ah, snap! My mothers Welsh as well." (04/02/87) SJM17: "I don't see the point of singularities." (04/02/87) PM107: "Last time I went to Sheffield, I left my instrument behind." (04/02/87) RMJ10: "Fortunately I have a pair of spare kneecaps with me." (04/02/87)